»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Words and Water
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Words and Water |
|
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I hear the wind whose words are low Beneath the sound of the river flow But rivers and waters don't pass near And life doesn't explode here. I thought they moved the leaves, I thought They moved the wind a half-tone higher I thought they singed the leaves With gasoline fire. A half-tone higher than it was before I hear the wind whose words are low Beneath the sound of the river flow A half-tone higher than it was before. I search for words without wind And water without fire In the half-tone higher wind blow Beneath the sound of the river flow. |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Jericha Satchel Junior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 11 |
Your rhymes are distracting. I like rhymes. But these rhymes are a distraction. low / flow / near / here. thought / higher / leaves / fire. before / low / flow / before. wind / fire / blow / flow. aabb cded faaf gdaa Even if the rhymes are internal it sticks. >I hear the wind whose words are low >Beneath the sound of the river flow >But rivers and waters don't pass near >And life doesn't explode here. The poem starts out by building a rhythm which is promptly broken in the last line above. The last 2 lines contradict the 2nd. You've already said there is a river and now you say there isn't one handy. The life exploding thing is an unfounded abstraction. >I thought they moved the leaves, I thought >They moved the wind a half-tone higher >I thought they singed the leaves >With gasoline fire. Who is "they". Some rhythm again in 1st 2 lines then broken again. What are you on about with "I thought they singed the leaves / With gasoline fire." >A half-tone higher than it was before >I hear the wind whose words are low >Beneath the sound of the river flow >A half-tone higher than it was before. Better on the rhythm front. That's something. >I search for words without wind >And water without fire >In the half-tone higher wind blow >Beneath the sound of the river flow. Tiresome. And the 1st 2 lines are trite. etc |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Brad, Good to see you writing again. I rather like the way you have varied the rhyme scheme. I did that once myself in one of my favorite writings. It's kind of fun, you know. On the negative side though, I haven't yet figured out where you are taking me here. Oh, I also thought the repetition and near-repetition worked pretty well this time. It was just enought to notice withoug being overbearing or monotonous, IMHO, that is. Thanks, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 11-12-2001).] |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Hi Brad, This would be really good if you re-worked it as a villanelle..the rhymes you use are well suited for that form... like Jericha,,they seemed to take my attention away from the poem itself a bit... don't particularly care for the word explode --it seems out of place in this poem,,despite the gasoline and fire,,, could you clarify line 6 please? as i was reading i thought the wind was doing the moving--not being moved.. probably just the way i am reading it... I do like this  There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied. Jamie, I hadn't considered a villanelle, that might be a good idea. I had considered a triolet or a pantoum but got caught up in breaking form rather than sticking with it. As far as the wind having agency or not, that's what I was trying to get across. Line six is intended to show a slight difference in sound. Pete, Yeah, that's what I was doing. Maybe I got carried away though, this was an afternoon killer. I'm glad you and Jamie see something here though, I like it too but I don't really know why. About halfway through I realized I was breaking 'rules' rather than conforming to them and started to play. Maybe more of an anchor would be a good thing. Jericha, I agree it's probably too abstract (although I thought the idea of a flowing river of something other than water was fairly clear). thanks for reading, Brad |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like the wordplay, but your message is sort of eluding me. I'm also kind of wondering who 'they' are...? I get the impression of someone dissenting... the narrator thinking it makes a difference, but the cry of protest not being heard over the river (go-with-the) flow. Am I on the right track? I love 'I thought they moved the leaves, I thought They moved the wind a half-tone higher Nice and subtle, then the gasoline fire for imapct... If anything, I liked the first two lines... didn't find them trite, but interesting, because there are different ways to interpret and envision them. An I absolutely love the rhyme... I like irregular schemes much more than clockwork ones, and actually find the latter much more distracting. Irregular meter and scemes allow the writer to choose a word that might not normally be considered in order to give it more impact.... Oooh, I'm gonna have to read some Dickinson before bed now... Thanks for the interesting (invigorating) read.  "this is not who I meant to be |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I’m sure it won’t surprise you that I would be hung up on the fine line between “what this poem means” and “what this poem means to me”. The subject matter vaguely reminds me of Hesse’s "Sidhartha", particularly the “Om” Sidhartha heard first in the river and then all around him. Whether you were referring to something like the “Om” or not, I cannot say, but the gradual, half tone changes in pitch suggest a general, growing tension in the air. I think the rest of the poem supports this. I like how you disrupt the rhythm of Lines 4 and 8. The first disruption drew my attention to the word “explode” which seemed to me (and apparently to the narrator) out of place. The “gasoline fire” image is strikingly more specific than either the words of the wind or the sound of the river and has the same “out of place” feel to it. The third stanza, to me, seems to be your crescendo. There is a building of strength in the first and fourth lines of the stanza (the two double-trochees help) … a HALF / TONE HIGH- / -er than / it WAS / be-FORE … but then I cannot tell whether the final stanza expresses hope or despair (is the narrator searching in vain or does the narrator think he will find what he is searching for if he just keeps on listening?). Or maybe the narrator cannot even decide at this point. I like this because I can apply it, not because I think I understand it beyond what it means to me. At any rate, it inspired me to pick up my old copy of "Sidhartha" … a damn good book and a much-needed respite. Thanks, Brad. Jim |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Even with all of the above replies and explanations, I must sat that I could not connect the poem with you. Brad write a poem that rhymes....hah! Anyway, upon first reading, I found the rhythm disconcerting. I read Jim's reply, so I'll try to get back, read the poem again, and try to see if I can find what he is saying. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Hi Brad, I'm spending some time reading through some of my old versification books and material, I love this stuff. I think this would make a breaktking villanelle, I truly do. I played around with this a little and hope you don't mind. I was reading it outloud and digging for "flow" this is what I came up with, take what you like or throw the whole thing out ha ha,it's just an exercise, but I think this would make a great villanelle....(this, of course, isn't one, but I think it could be a good one) I hear the wind; the words are low Beneath the sound, the river flow But rivers and waters don't pass near and life is not exploding here. I thought they moved the leaves, the wind a half-tone higher I thought they singed the leaves- the leaves that met with fire. A half-tone higher than before I hear the wind whose words are low Beneath the sound, the river flow A half-tone higher than before. I search for words without the wind And for the water without fire the half-tone higher wind will blow Beneath the sound, the river flow. Kathleen nickname "Kay" also wrote as The Lady of Shallot "be true to yourself" [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-13-2001).] |
||
|
dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Hey Brad, I loved the poem. I thought that the rhythym in the last lines in the first two stanzas was hard, and it interupted my reading. Does that make sense? Anyway, I loved the poem, I thought it was beautiful, I loved the imagery. dreamer |
||
|
Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
as I read it I saw the water and river as being the visceral life force-- words and wind as cereberal or spiritual -- fire being the product of wind (words) and physical (water).. but.. hey that's just me... Form wise -- constant meter sounds pretty but it tends to put me to sleep -- so I didn't mind stumbling here and there as you dropped me into potholes and off of cliffs. The only element I find missing here is a bit of emotion -- needs more water Brad... less wind... lol |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
