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aurora rain
Member

since 2000-11-15

Posts 90

0 posted 2001-09-22 10:24 PM

she said “I knew the world was
paint by numbers
and I knew to start
small sections first” but
she didn’t know how to stop his heartache,
or how to unravel stitches
or close wounds the way
her father closed doors
by painting them away

and what a pretty sickness this is
blue-eyed and porcelain-skinned
the fall of the ill now the
fall of the beautiful
the fall of a revolution
started in the midst of
a still-standing romance

where he said he wanted to be the one
and where he said it took only one person
to start the revolution
and when you paint by numbers,
he said to “start with the smaller sections
before you tackle the larger ones”--
you know, start with yourself before you
start with the universe

and I said I’d return and he said
he’d do the same when it was over
but it’s never over and nothing is ever
small enough to go unnoticed
in this world

and I’ll say
“what a pretty sickness this is”
the colors of my pain hanging
over the patio in full view
letters on the front page
everyone talking

saying “what a circumstance”

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-09-23 02:32 PM

For the most part I like this, but a couple things confused me.... why did you change from she to I towards the end of the poem? Are she and I different people, or is the speaker just now able to reveal herself in the first person? That should be clarified.

Also, I was wondering about the revolution? What does it mean... what kind of revolution?

Otherwise, I really enjoyed the ideas and wording of this.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-09-24 11:41 AM

Again Hush beat me to this one too with some very good questions.

I get the impression the she and I are actually two different people. I also have a feeling that the revolution refers to problems in a relationship. If so then revolution might be too strong a word. If it really refers to something else then I would ask "What?"

I enjoyed the "paint by numbers" continuing metaphor. I think it could even be real rather than a metaphor. Very well done in either case.

On the slightly negative side, I would work on the punctuation a little. You have used very little and most of it, though technically correct, is probably not necessary. I usually prefer punctuation but since you have used so little, in this case, I would tend to remove all since I can get the proper flow without it. Otherwise, I think you should add all the proper punctuation. I guess I rambled a bit there

but hopefully you get the idea. BTW, the comma in the first stanza is not only unnecessary but improper, IMHO.

Thanks for a nice read.

Pete

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