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Insomniac
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Insomniac |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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I have been there in the darkness following thoughts in whim of wake across all reason out of orbit into some far stranger gate. Conversations past and present speeches made to unseen foes imagined failures planned revisions in and out this porthole go. There is a light behind the blackness deep inside the cave of see sometimes red and sometimes purple a kaleidoscope I made for me. It is there to light the darkness turn the rancor flay the thief, just behind the turn of eyelash is the door to close out grief. You are right to stay the questions the wretched mind tries to retain listen how the peaceful crickets music of the night remains Remember all the velvet touches songs to laughter tears of grace, behind the darkness night will take you to a softly keener place. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Somehow this feels out of place (probably intentional given the title) but it doesn't quite work for me. I think you've gotten caught up in the effect you were trying (I do it too) and, as a result, fallen into generality. Take these ideas and turn them into images and snippets of conversation so that the reader can see what the character's seeing, hear what the character's hearing. It might for a more difficult poem (because of the very randomness of what I'm suggesting)but I think your title will hold it together. But I could be wrong, Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well, I liked the first part, up to the last 2 verses. I could see a night of no sleep, and how the mind flits from thing to thing and sleep is just on the other side of your eyelashes, but some how the last 2 verses didn't pull it together..... I could see what you were trying to say in both, but maybe with just a little rewrite...  |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Thanks guys--I think you are both right. I wrote it, not from my own feelings, but because of someone else who was having a problem. I was trying to help--trying to be a know it all. I guess everyone has there own deamons to deal with, day or night, and I should stick with my own. There is just no emotional pull. Im not sure if I like the poem well enough to work with it. I appreciate your feedback. |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I know this is a forum for critical analysis, sorry this is anything but a critical reply, just an observation. I read the poem and the replies and was struck by two things, the first was that I liked the poem a lot. So much so that any changes I would suggest would be purely personal preferences that would not alter the poem in any significant way. The second thought that occurred to me was how do you quantify the greatness of a poem, is a great poem great for everyone? The obvious answer, looking at the replies posted above, is no. This seems to show that poetic worth is a matter of personal choice, there is a chance that small changes to this poem would not detract from my enjoyment, but there is also a danger that massive changes in content and form would! Are changes that we suggest just personal preferences, would it not, if all the changes suggested were to be made, make this a completely new poem? A poem closer to our style and feeling than the other readers? A poem that I as a reader may enjoy less, or more but in a different way? I am not for one minute saying I am right ,(and in fairness if you read Brad’s reply nor is he ), and that the poem is perfect as it is, I just have a fear that this poem could be re-written into something I may like a little less. I’m glad you aren’t going to re-work it Martie but amazed you don’t like it! End of Ramble. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
Craig, liked your reply, I liked the poem too, just that in my reading of it I stumbled on the last 2 lines of verse 5 and the beginning of verse 6, I didn't mean to suggest changing much, just possibly rearranging the words a bit |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Craig, you are such a thinker and you are so right. A poem is a personal thing--to the writer as well as the reader. I really believe that having someone else read and get something out of my poetry is part of what poetry is about. I'm really glad that you liked it and just to clarify, I didn't say I disliked the poem, just that I didn't like it well enough to change it. I guess what I meant was that I am not as emotionally attached to it as I am to some of my other poems. So that brings me to the question, when a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it fall, did it really fall? or is that even relevent? If someone writes a poem and no one reads it, is it really a poem? |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
would have to disagee there, Marty, how many a love poem penned, was never sent? does it make it any less a poem? Some of my poems are never posted, or posted and not read, but I still think of them as poems, hmmmmm not sure about this thing called poetry or how and why it helps a soul to write a poem, but to me the writing is the important part, if it is read and enjoyed by others, that is a bonus |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Iloveit--I have many of those poems too, and they are the cherished, even though they are in a folder under the bed and covered with dust bunnies. I was just trying to stur things up |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just thought I'd jump in and give my two cents. Christopher, This is a problem in any forum such as this. At one point, people will begin to question their own value as creators -- try to please too many people at the same time and turn what may have been a strong poem that's not perfect (Is there such a thing as a perfect poem?) into a lackluster piece that pleases nobody, least of all the writer. I've said in other places that modesty, humility, lack of confidence in any combination with poetry is a bad mix. You have to believe in yourself and your writing both to be able to listen to critiques and to ignore those critiques when you don't feel they are useful. Any critique is, at bottom, one person's opinion at one time and take it as that. If you do decide to integrate someone else's ideas in your poem, make sure you like the poem better with those ideas and not without them. Believe in yourself, trust your instincts. If I thought people saw me as someone in the 'know' about what is good or bad in poetry, I don't think I'd ever be able to give a critique -- too much responsibility with too little knowledge (besides, I don't think anyone really knows). However, if we all see each other as individuals with different ideas and attitudes in a constant process of sharing ideas through poetry and comments, I think the very idea of 'good' and 'bad' or 'right' or 'wrong' can disappear; the ulimate authority for the words (not the meaning) resides with the author. Again, stick to your guns when listening to suggestions, don't back down from your own opinion because someone else offers another one. I should point out that any comment on a particular poem doesn't have to be only for that poem. I've received comments that I didn't use to rewrite that specific poem but used those ideas to write another one. Try to see this forum as one big churning factory of ideas and attitudes, techniques and styles to be played with. For me, as I read comments on my poem and others, as I read other poetry, I am constantly amazed at the inspiration, the exhileration that can result from such a process. I keep a writer's notebook and you have no idea how many ideas I jot down from this process. I just hope everyone else feels the same excitement. Brad |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
martie, I liked this poem. what appealed to me most was the feeling of elusiveness that the poem evoked. Reading through all the posts, there was one thing that struck me. Funnily I have the habit of reading through a poem and feeling it. does it touch me? do I react to it. how ever it may be worded, does it make me think? Most times the metre, the rhyme does not matter as far as the poem intrigues me enough to give it a second reading and observe how it has been constructed bit by bit I'm happy you are not going to work on this one. I somehow liked it the way it is. Some times changes by an other person turns your creation into being just not yours not that comments are not welcome or that changes should not be made. But some how it becomes different from the moment you wrote it and I've always felt that that moment matters - whether the situation is your own or not, still the feeling when you pen your words is still yours. rachi |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Just testing to see if this is my right password...it's been awhile since I posted here. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Not a bad poem but personally I think the darkness-light descriptions have been used and are used far too often....don't get me wrong, it's a very nice theme....that there is something besides pain...besides darkness....same goes for "velvet" in my opinion....I really liked the second stanza, all of it....and the second last staza was pretty decent as well....but I have to be honest and say that most of the poem sounded like it had already been done before. Sorry but that's my honest opinion...but thanks for the read. Take Care, Trevor |
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