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Lachesis
New Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 1

0 posted 2001-04-14 03:21 PM

First Sight

Her Pupils Burned with Passion
They Drew me Closer
To My Beginning and End
Her Branches grabbed me by the throat
And pulled me towards her
And then back away
A flutter of the eyes would make my heart pound
The sound Of Love…or lust
It could end before it had begun
She had already won
She came, she saw, she conquered
And I was Helpless.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2001-04-14 03:36 PM

Welcome to CA. As I read it this poem was a nice reflection on love at first sight.  Good overall sound.  Here are my suggestions:
-"Her branches" got me all ready for tree and plant imagery which really didn't follow.  I might consider a synonym to replace "branches"
-What is the signifigance of the seemingly arbitrary capitalization?  I'm sure you did it on purpose, but do you know why you chose those words for caps and not others?  Do you expect your reader to know why?
-I would lose the cliched line She came she saw she conquered and replace it with something more original.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

helen smith
Member

since 2001-03-12

Posts 240

2 posted 2001-04-14 04:55 PM

hellooooo Lachesis.It is always exciting to post a first poem ...soon you will be like me ..addicted to sharing,
I love "the sound of love" you say is a flutter of eyelids ...that is nice .
As always Kirk you are so helpful ,kind and encouraging

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-04-14 10:14 PM

Hello Lachesis,

Welcome to CA. I'm a little late getting in here but doesn't make much difference anyway. Kirk said exactly what I think I would have said had I beat him to it.

Check your email for a special welcoming message.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

4 posted 2001-04-17 12:07 PM

Lachesis,
Welcome to CA. I really enjoyed the poem and am looking forward to more.
Now off the subject, I have just finished reading "The Incarnations of Immortality" series by Piers Anthony and your name grabbed my attention because Lachesis is the name of one of the aspects of fate. I just thought that was an interesting choice for a user name.
Thanks for the read.
J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

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