»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Trashman Got Some Flowers (C&C needed...please)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Trashman Got Some Flowers (C&C needed...please) |
|
|
Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
*note: should the second and third stanzas be dropped? Should I drop them then write a new second stanza? Drop them and leave it like that? Rewrite totally? Thanks. I bought you roses yesterday. Red, pink, yellow, and white ones dyed blue, it was quite a bouquet... well, it was until I threw them away. The flowers and I made it to your front door, but I couldn’t bring myself to knock. I know you were home...and after the walk my feet were sore, but I didn’t knock...I just turned around and walked some more. I kept walking - alone with flowers in hand - until I didn’t know where I was... A putrid dumpster caught me eye; mountains of newspapers and soup cans, I threw away your flowers, my heart, and your hair band. Maybe the trash man can use them... ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Alain DeLaCendres - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, besides my immediate dislike for roses anywhere near a poem (just use another flower), I was left wondering why you give the whole poem away in the first stanza. Why tell us what the poem's going to be about and ruin all the fun of finding out? I would also think about giving the reader a little more background. As it is, we have no motivation to really care about this person. Why is he struggling with these feelings? I do like the whole trashman idea, however. Brad |
||
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I own a flower shop so I know all the different feelings that flowers represent--especially the rose--which for some reason is the "Love" flower. I liked the idea of the dumster. There is a homeless lady who gathers flowers behind our shop from the the dumster, perhaps she took yours. I dont't understand why he had her hair band-if it was just for the rhyme then you should pick another word or explain it earlier. |
||
|
Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
yep I agree with brad, I think with a little rewriting this could be better, I would start with a simple rearranging of the stanzas make it 2, 3, then 1, would have quite a different effect. and yes the line with the hairband just doesn't quiet fit...am hestitant to suggest something different without a bit more feedback from you ....hope I helped  |
||
|
mia Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 118 |
it was great. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||