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Need a title and comments?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Need a title and comments? |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Also it looks to me like the third verse needs work. Doesn't seem to flow. Any suggestions? Summer is a rough season with angered consumption. masquerades as silouette clouds hovering over my shadow in treason. Heaven's fire blazing regardless day or night, Cheater of natural freedom; Roaring like the misty sea sucking out the rhythm of life. It ceases at it's own will, eroding like a porus dam; frantically spilling over, never stopping till it kills. Giving way to mother nature the heated sheet dissipates; the sea - rejuvenated -and- autumn breathes with stature. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- ..."to thine own self be true." >William Shakespeare |
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| © Copyright 1999 Julie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Julie, I really don't see what you're trying to do here. A title might be the hook that brings it all together but I don't have any ideas. This might be a good poem to show what I mean by interpretation. What do you think? The answer: I don't know what YOU are talking about, Brad. Great, I'll explain later  Brad |
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donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
let me guess, you live in the south? or at least have? yes, that cruel sun shines on. I enjoyed the imagery you created, the feeling of intense heat and drought. the contrasting image of the dam spilling over is perfect. Summer can be difficult in more ways than one... good work! |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Yes, Donavanblue. Texas to be exact. The part about the dam is where I felt it didn't flow well. Maybe it does? Hoping Brad will get back to me on that...see if he agrees. Your a new member...always happy to see a new face. Especially a Texan!------------------ Julie ------------------------- Thou who has given so much to me, give one thing more: a grateful heart. >George Herbert [This message has been edited by Julie (edited 09-26-1999).] |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ok julie  I went and looked this one up, and am gonna let *you* know that this style of poem is hard for me to critique, but I want to try and will do my bestsome of the images really hit me, and some of them don't Summer is a rough season with angered consumption. masquerades as silouette clouds hovering over my shadow in treason. now this is where you understand that critiquing is also about the reader, and not only about your poem I don't understand the image of angered consumption in likeness with summer, that one would like you to explain...the rest is good, your image of clouds that provide no relief is great! the next verse is great I like a lot. this verse: It ceases at it's own will, eroding like a porus dam; frantically spilling over, never stopping till it kills. I don't see. I see summer building the heat to the point of being too much, " a dam spilling over" but frantically? and never stopping till it kills? those 2 I don't understand your likening them to summer. this verse I like too, it relates the relief that autumn provides, just think it would read better without the -and- Giving way to mother nature the heated sheet dissipates; the sea - rejuvenated -and- autumn breathes with stature. overall, I liked it, and just cause *I* didn't understand the images doesnt' mean they aren't effective. Would like to hear more from you on this |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Thanks for your input lloveit, I did work on this a while back and agree with some of your points, I posted the final composition in op3...here it is: (I even managed to come up with a title.) I know you said you didn't like the "and" at the end but I did keep it. Summer's Fury Summer is a rough season with angered consumption. Masquerades as silhouette clouds hovering over my shadow in treason. Heaven's fire blazing regardless day or night, Cheater of natural freedom; Roaring as if it were the misty sea, sucking out the rhythm of life. Extinction at its own will, eroding conservation as a flooding dam; volcanic eruptions surging, never ceasing till it kills. Revenge! daring other seasons to begin; rebellion against the scent of Spring, Narcisstic nature, vanity its pleasure; Egotistical till the end. Giving way to mother nature the heated sheet dissipates; the sea - rejuvenated ~and~ autumn breathes with stature. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Thou who has given so much to me, give one thing more: a grateful heart. >George Herbert |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks julie, I do like the final version but hey you still didn't explain angered consumption.....lol, come on some of us critics are poetically challenged lol, and need all the help we can get *g* |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
oops sorry lloveit...angered consumption... consumed with anger, full of anger; giving summer an emotion like us that we build up anger inside ourselves but try to keep it concealed and then it begins spilling over or showing up in different ways; did that help? ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us. >Stendhal |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I like this poem very much....I don't think it needs any more critiquing. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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