Shakespearian (English) Sonnet

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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2000-09-24 02:56 PM

So oft have I not seen beyond the gate,
As tho' my vision were obscured in part,
Living within this world, encapsulate,
With blinders placed, not on mine eyes, my heart.
Tis thee who let me see where love is found,
That strength and handsome beauty lie inside,
And oft emotion treads on fallow ground,
Tho' seeds of tenderness, the soil abides.
One day we shall behold our garden's bloom,
And walk among the trees and flowers fair,
The sun will kiss thy face, strike out the gloom,
As we discover gardens' secrets rare.

Mine eyes are open wide now, and I see,
Thou art the vision lying before me.

Kris

< !signature-->

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 09-25-2000).]

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

1 posted 2000-09-24 03:11 PM

kris

very appropriate posting kris ..did you just write this or have you pulled it up from the archives!!? somehow it sounds familiar.

Anyway, whatever, it really is an extremely nice read, with a much happier tone than your recent rather sombre postings if i might say so.

thanks

philip

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-09-24 09:47 PM

Philip,

Not sure why it would sound familiar...just wrote it yesterday, posted it today...then noticed you were pulling up all kinds of old sonnets. You had to pull up my 15 line wonder, huh? Thanks...J/K

It's a good example of mistakes made along the path of learning.

Haven't written a sonnet in a while...do ya really think this one is OK? It's the first I've written attempting to use "archaic" language.

Kris< !signature-->

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 09-24-2000).]

Libbi
Junior Member

since 2000-09-24

Posts 18

3 posted 2000-09-25 04:52 AM

wow, that was excellent! I have no advice to give you...but wow, that was your first sonntet written it that stlye>? wow..thats all i have to say..wow
-libbi-

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-09-25 12:08 PM

Hi Kris,

First let me say it's good to see you writing sonnets again

Then, Philip's right, this is really a happier and lighter tone.

I think I see a couple of little errors though, probably just typos. I don't quite understand line 6. Thou doesn't seem to be used correctly. Could you have intended thy instead? Then in line 12, I believe doth is used incorrectly with we. I'm not absolutely sure of the proper conjugation but it seems like doth is third person rather than first. I think you could substitute do but I really don't like to do that; it seems like a word stuffed in to make the meter right. Instead, I would prefer both; still a word to make the meter but not nearly as obvious.

Then being even more nit-picky, line 4 could be a little confusing; it includes two phrases which are not really parallel although they probably should be (I said this was nit-picky didn't I?

) Grammatically speaking, it probably should read ". . . not on my eyes, but heart" but that does alter the feel a little. Really, you can probably get by with it as is, your choice.

Finally in the last line, I stumble a little on reading before. The stress is wrong I I can't find a reason to justify it. IMHO, you might do better to find a substitution. If it were buried somewhere in the body, it wouldn't stand out like it does in the couplet, if you know what I mean.

Well, thanks for sharing. As usual, you wrote a beautiful sonnet even though you have claimed to not have that talent

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-25-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-09-25 08:06 PM

Libbi,

Thank-you, but I don't deserve such praise...(see above). Think I messed it up a bit trying to use that type of language.

Pete,

Thanks for pointing out all the boo-boos. I'll try to fix it, but I really do not have a clue as to the use of archaic language. I suppose until I learn something about it, I should not use it at all. Thanks again for your time,

Kris

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

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