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Help!!!!!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Help!!!!! |
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Kirsty New Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 8Australia |
I need help with this guys. I am writting a poem to read to my fiance the night of our engagement party and I am stuck with it. So far it goes like this ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 23rd of September 2000 Tonight we gather with family and friends To celebrate our love Thanking those that got us here But mostly the stars above. You are everything I want in a man And sometimes so much more And even through the hard times Your still the man I adore I know that times have been tough And hopefully they won’t get any worse But it has only made us stronger And there is nothing that I would reverse ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HELP!!!! "Kiss you children goodnight even if they are asleep" |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kirsty - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't know how much time you have here but you need to clean up the rhythm a bit. Also, try to fit in some specific moments (particularly comic); this will liven it up a bit and people will enjoy hearing it read more. Good luck, Brad |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
kristy I think this is such a romantic thing that ur doing and I personally wish u my best  as for ur poem...lets get down to business...in no way am I a critique per se, but someone who reads a draft and lends some advice...yes now usually in CA one major issue is origniality....coming up with fresh images and making the reader forced to use their imagination,....well being that this is for a majority of people to hear and u want to show ur love...then simplicity is ok...so i believe lolTonight we gather with family and friends To celebrate our love Thanking those that got us here, But mostly the stars above. nice intro... You are everything I want in a man And sometimes so much more And even through the hard times Your still the man I adore nice...but i think it would be sooo much cooler if u said what makes him so special, as opposed to saying that he is special I know that times have been tough And hopefully they won’t get any worse But it has only made us stronger And there is nothing that I would reverse ok...i don't know but to me u seem redundant with that ..the "hard times line"...to ME and only me....it seems like u guys have gone through some REALLY bad times and that is emphasized b/c u mentioned twice...personally i don't know what ur situation is..but if u really haven't had that much of "HARD TIMES" per se (b/c we all do have hard times, just some more than others)...then don't emphasize it too much...b/c in a sense u might be detracting the listener into a realm of uneasiness when u do this, as opposed to the nice scenery of love which u have painted in the beginning and wish to end with. i could be very wrong though so please do not take me to heart when i say these words, this is just how i felt when i read it. now it seems that the poem is over....if i were the listener i would be a lil disappointed b/c it was short to some extent.... i personally thought u could have elaborated on the things that he has done, and what u have done, and things u have done together not so much say things like oh, i love u b/c u make the grass seem greener...no something like, when u wake and place ur hand on my back..its ur love i can feel..this is sooo much more a realistic picture which everybody can agree on and say, " yes, i know that feeling"...thats another method perhaps...write about the little things that makes him so special.....if u haven't noticed, i am implicitly saying that u should add some stanzas into ur poem lol.....and umm well i guess thats all i can think of for now...oh and when it comes to ur ending..like u have alread done nicely..make a powerful sentiment of feeling..rememebr u want the fans to leave with that feeling of ohh and ahh i wish u the best, hope i was insightful  "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Here's a quick rewrite. You might want something a little lighter than what I've done here but maybe a few others will offer some ideas. Good luck! Tonight we gather friends and relatives To celebrate our special kind of love, To say our thanks to those that got us here And praise those kindly stars that shine above. You're everything I hoped for in a man And still so much, so much that is more, And even though we've seen the worst of times You're still the man I'll always adore. I know that times at times were difficult; And hope and pray there won't be any worse But know that we're now a little stronger And nothing, nothing would I reverse. Not perfect, of course, but I hope it shows you some ideas. Brad [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 09-15-2000).] |
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Kirsty New Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 8Australia |
Ok guys, thanks for your help. I think that I have decided to have my best friend sing him a song now instead. I realised after sitting and reading it that I did not have that much time to work on it and I have a lot of work to do on it. Thanks again for your help Kirsty "Kiss you children goodnight even if they are asleep" |
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