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Inert evening
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Inert evening |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Inert evening < !signature-->A tucked-in flame serves companion for night, with manuscripts laden with jaded ink beseeching the cursed quill of its plight. Thoughtless contortions of the mind, he thinks, rendering fetterless emotions mute. "She hides the conceptual chalice to drink!" "Damn she this penurious poet minute? Forsaken muscle of expression, heed not to the condemned mind's dispute!" "Sweet nymph, devoid of hopeful expectations for tides are barren. Wind gusts are blessings. This poet's nil of manifestations." An unerring choice to leave the flat sings, longing for silent pendulous meadows. Where he thinks of what that rigid birch brings. Wrapped in ebony's blanket, sleeps the sun. Wrapped in demise, the poet's body hung. a small revision...please critique on which u find the better  Inert evening A tucked-in flame serves companion for night, while manuscripts laden with jaded ink beseech the cursed quill of its plight. Poetic abstractions, he falters to think, beguiling fetterless emotions mute. "Malicious Muse, grant thee thy chalice to drink!" "Damn she this penurious poet minute? Forsaken muscle of expressions, hither not to the condemned mind's dispute!" "Sweet nymph, devoid of hopeful expectations for tides are barren. Wind gusts are blessings. This poet's nil of manifestations." An unerring choice to leave the flat sings, longing for silent pendulous meadows. Where he thought of what that rigid birch brings. Rocking forth and back, the poet's body swung. Wistful winds cloaked with demise, that night sung. "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 09-03-2000).] |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
JnR4eva, I like this one and the creative story. I'm trying to understand it. Maybe I'm way off base, but the poet you refer to...is it a quill pen that has run out of ink?...no wait a minute, looks like the poet was the "he" and "he" hung himself on the birch branch. As for technicalities... 2nd stanza-thinks and drink last-sun and hung These are close rhymes, but not perfect. While poems don't have to have true rhyme,it appears that's what you were going for except the 2 stanzas I've mentioned. I have confidence that you could take this to perfection if you want to. Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hi janie thanx for stopping by and taking time to read and critique my work ....now...an interesting interpretation indeed u have given me, but that wasn't quite how i intended it to go.... perhaps i have failed to realize that i have not explained it well enough in the poem itself?..if u feel that i haven't please do tell me..but this is the dealing of a poet who has struggled A LOT with his poetry that at the end...well u read lol i wish to see who else respondes and if he/she has a hard time understanding the theme of this poem...(even though im hoping they do not read this response first lol)....then i shall go back to the drawing boardas for the true rhyme...HMMM i didn't even notice that at all...and im a lil' sad now b/c my intent was to have true rhymes...but i guess it is my accent (a New York accent lol) which i believe led me to think that it was true indeed....this is rather disturbing b/c the form i was trying to stay with is hard enough as is....i will see what i can do about these line.... thank you once again for ur critique ..and thanx for the confidence lol  ."my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Jn, I'm sorry to have made you sad about the rhyme. I know how you feel because I've fallen victim to the deceptive trap of dialect too and thought I had rhyme when I didn't. I'm sure you can work through it though. As for the story, definitely I can tell by the ending the poet has committed suicide by hanging. I can tell by your opening, that "he" is alone, but I think I forgot this fact and got distracted when you began mentioning "she". It's apparant after re-reading it that the poet is still alone, I'm wondering who is "she", did "she" hide a vile drink or was it the ink well? Then, this line:"Damn she this penurious poet minute?..is the poet a woman or a man?...now I'm more confused, at the end is the poet who hangs themselves the man or the woman? After re-reading is this the story: The poet is a woman who writes a suicide note that is found by the man who hangs herself on the birch? (I'm sorry to be so dense) Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
hey janie..i knew i messed up when it came to the 'she' part... in all actuality the 'she' = muse in the second stanza....i was wondering if i should make that explicitly clear? b/c for some reason i thought the conceptual chalice could be a poets flow of thoughts and creativeness, and if so then that would have implied that 'she' must be the muse from which he wants his creativity back ... but i think i was wrong in doing that... then i was thinking that when he says sweet nymph...i had meant his sweet nymph that he is trying to write a poem for but is having the horrible time... i will definitely make some revisions so that these facts or images that I'm trying to convey actually come out for the reader and not assume that they know...sorry about that...and thanx for stopping by again im going to do a revision tonight and attach it to this one and see if the revision is better at making these thoughts apparant..and I'll settle the issue of the rhyme scheme too < !signature-->"my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
JrN4 When I first read this I had the impression of E. Poe sitting at home with writers block. The ending is clear enough and very nice. I liked this one and found it an enjoyable read. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi eva ...I have read other poems you've written and have always hesitated giving a response...cuz they are way over my head LOL, I'm usually left with my mouth hanging open in awe and wonderment(I have to check if 'wonderment is a word lol) ...this one caught my eye more then the others and I'm not really sure why yet, will have to get back to you when I have an intelligable answer LOL ...your poems are definitely good practice for learning my english debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
To Forrest ... thank you very much for the compliment im just shocked that MY poetry would evoke such a feeling...maybe i just got lucky with this one since the topic is of the kind that poe is famous for..I do have a book of poems full of poe's work...but I never did get to read all of them. I think I should pull it out now and see if I could some motivation...thank you once again to mysticharm... thank you for your compliment as well...i will admit though that this is the first poem that i have written ever since i have spent an extensive time in CA. all the critics who write in here such as Brad, Not A Poet, Trevor, Janie, Steve B. and the others that have come and gone have really provided good insight as i read their critique's for other poets. and b/c of that i have taken a turn with my poetry..i now know better ways of making poetry work ...I'm glad that u liked, and i hope u did understand  thanx for stopping by and i'm looking forward to ur critique "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Steve B Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 140Southern PA |
To J and Janie about exact rhymes... we all do experience the problem of mistaken rhymes due to accents and other influences... so I use an online rhyming dictionary... which at times I question but I know is right lol.. one of mine being that, flag does not rhyme with bag....hmmmmm any way here is the url for it... http://www.link.cs.cmu.edu/dougb/rhyme-doc.html I find it invaluable when doing rhyming poetry..... To J ~ you are doing great, don't you think so? we are all only as good as the amount of time and practice we put into things... Steve B |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
JnR4eva, Looks like you changed the 2nd and the last verses. I like the 2nd verse in your revision better because it helps to know who "she" is, but I think I prefer your original ending..except now I remember you were trying to correct the rhyming words. I'd still like to see true rhyme but I like the ending in the first version better if it weren't for that. The revision to the ending I might like better if the clear cut death of the poet was the last line instead of 2nd to last. I started playing w/it and came up with these endings... #1 Wrapped in ebony's blanket, sleeps the sun. His demise left hanging, the Muse had won. #2 Wistful winds sing his demise in the night. Hanging his body swings ending his plight. The sun hides his face and covers his eyes. The poet's demise hangs, cursing the skies. Heaven's onyx cover still hides the sun, but demise of the poet is finally done. I don't know if this helps at all. Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
janie...i am in total love with this line... Wrapped in ebony's blanket, sleeps the sun. His demise left hanging, the Muse had won. i posted the poem in the open but i am going to change that line b/c i think it rocks..thank you VERY much for ur time and effort i appreciate it VERY much ...man that line adds so much more of a haunting image..to think that the muse is out for him????? i cant get over it janie...thank you once again ....to bad i cant change it in here now..i'm not allowed to edit after 24 hours of the original posting  "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
JnR4eva, Great! I'm glad that I was able to help. I kind of like that ending too because when I first read your original post, I felt like maybe the "she" (who I didn't know was the Muse at that time) may have been trying to poison the poet. I just realized though, that I don't have the last line punctuated correctly. It needs to be like this: Wrapped in ebony's blanket, sleeps the sun. His demise left hanging; the Muse had won. ooooh, not only that but with this new ending, you could even leave the 2nd stanza as you originally wrote it and leave the ending to disclose the "surprise" of who "she" is... what do you think about that? ...had to come back in and edit this because I just saw something else. here: An unerring choice to leave the flat sings, longing for silent pendulous meadows. Where he thought of what that rigid birch brings. I think maybe: "Where he THINKS of what that rigid birch brings" I think this is a better tense. Janie < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 09-08-2000).] |
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