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Windswept
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Windswept |
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Judy Tanner New Member
since 2000-08-27
Posts 1 |
Windswept Life, as the tumultuous emerald sea it is, Tosses the participants upon its swells of hills and valleys. Ever changing, conflicts accompany me on the climb Of the seasoned peaks of frothy foam. The wind whispers quietly, hinting of secrets that lie within her, As she fiercely whips her mist across my face. Through the endless expanse, my thirst is unquenchable; My salt embittered eyes continuously search the horizon. Tears flow sweeping away the pain concealed within. She calms herself, gently raising her white-tipped crests Toward the glistening moon. Unanswered longings quiet the heart. The silent sorrow remains, but for yet another day. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Judy Tanner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Judy and welcome to Critical Analysis.....(in a whispering and covert voice)...get out now, leave while you can.....wait I think they heard me....  I'd just like to say before I begin my critique that I'm commenting on your poem and not on you as a person or anything like that....though some may argue it is difficult to seperate the artist from their work. Opinions like poems vary from person to person and in no way does my opinion deem a work good nor bad but only reflect my current thoughts on what has been written....so with that in mind I shall begin carving  "Life, as the tumultuous emerald sea it is, Tosses the participants upon its swells of hills and valleys." Not bad opener, at first I didn't like the contrast in the analogy, sea-hills and valleys but after a couple reads I felt it was this very contrast that made the stanza work. However consider tightening up the lines a bit perhaps by chopping out unnecessary words, for example, "Life, the tumultuous emerald sea, Tosses participants upon swells of hills and valleys." It keeps the meaning and tempo while shortening-tightening up the read thereby keeping the reader more in-line with the story and less prone to wander. "Ever changing, conflicts accompany me on the climb Of the seasoned peaks of frothy foam." Consider going for more dramatics with these lines. "Ever changing/conflicts/climb/frothy foam" don't really pack much punch and offer little description. I have no suggestions for a rewrite of this stanza only it seems that perhaps you could do more with it. "The wind whispers quietly, hinting of secrets that lie within her, As she fiercely whips her mist across my face." I found this to be at conflict with itself....one minute the wind is whispering, as in a gentle quiet wind and the next minute it is whipping mist across your face which gives the image of the wind strong and screaming. Also the meaning is too vague in my opinion and the direction is confusing. "Through the endless expanse, my thirst is unquenchable; My salt embittered eyes continuously search the horizon. Tears flow sweeping away the pain concealed within." And here you begin to talk of thirst...thirst for what? Thirst for knowledge, thirst for calmness, thirst for the end of struggles...all of the above? Then you speak of pain yet you haven't told the reader about the pain nor given much info about the struggle taking place. So far you've only given a picture of a woman who is struggling but the reader can't draw much sympathy for the character if we don't know why she is crying....for all the reader knows she could be upset because she broke her French manicured pinky while beating crippled children with a bamboo stick. "She calms herself, gently raising her white-tipped crests Toward the glistening moon. Unanswered longings quiet the heart. The silent sorrow remains, but for yet another day." Becareful of which person format you are speaking in. The beginning is first person and now it switches to third person....me, I turned into she and her....unless of course the last stanza is talking of the sea...she quiets herself...the world quiets herself??? If that is the case then I'm kinda lost on the meaning. Also I don't think "but yet for another day" works, "The silent sorrow remains, but for yet another day." "The silent sorrow remains" already covers the "but yet for another day"... seemed redundant. All in all I found the poem jumped a little too much all over the place and didn't narrow down the scene enough to really draw a reader in. Also I thought the descriptions could use more colour to help more clearly explain the picture you were trying to paint. Well I hope this didn't come off as harsh, it's not meant as a deterant...in fact the opposite and I hope that you will continue to post at Critical Analysis and also give feedback to not only your work but also towards the work of others. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Judy, And welcome to CA. I see you have already met Trevor. Well, unless my impression differs significantly from his, I see little point in expressing it. In fact, it appears that he has rather thoroughly reviewed your poem and, for the most part, I think I agree. It was a pleasant read but, as he suggests, it could be tightened and strengthened somewhat. Well, hope to see more from you soon. Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi judy ...first let me welcome you to CA ...I am in no way qualified to offer genuine criticism only my opinion, I had written a poem called "Delights of the Heart" and everyone was kind enough to point out I had to much frill and fluff and it was taking away from what I was saying, in simpler terms I was trying to hard LOL ...the theme of your poem is a beautiful one hope to read more from you debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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