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Untitled, Unclaimed
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled, Unclaimed |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374
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I want to write a poem and give it no name Untitled, unclaimed I want to say something but Im afraid to offend Where to begin You blame poverty Claim it robbed you of your precious dreams No way out, or so it seems Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems I want to write a song and give it no words Never sung, never heard I want to make you feel, but I'm afraid to create Feelings of hate You wear long sleeves To cover your heart, it's out there for all to see No hidden corners, no privacy Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems -jaimie www.ladysixstring.com |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jaimie D. Travis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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caul Junior Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 12 |
Hello I liked the alternating stanza styles but felt that they’d be a little tighter if the rhyme scheme was repeated or dropped altogether. I’m talking in particular about the first and third stanzas. I want to write a poem and give it no name Untitled, unclaimed I want to say something but Im afraid to offend Where to begin * Strong start, slightly spoiled with the lack of continuity found when you reach the third stanza. You blame poverty Claim it robbed you of your precious dreams No way out, or so it seems Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems * The last two lines are weakened by the use of ‘seems’ in the third line. *Spelling, or more probably a mistype, ‘yelds’ I’m sure should be ‘yields’. I’d be tempted to put a ‘to’ after ‘yields’ I want to write a song and give it no words Never sung, never heard I want to make you feel, but I'm afraid to create Feelings of hate * I would have preferred ‘Unsung, unheard’ for a closer echo of the first stanza. I’ve already mentioned the rhyme scheme, I think it lends itself to this verse very well and would suggest using it in the first stanza. You wear long sleeves To cover your heart, it's out there for all to see No hidden corners, no privacy Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems *Spelling, or more probably a mistype, ‘yelds’ I’m sure should be ‘yields’. Again I’d be tempted to put a ‘to’ after ‘yields’. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a cliché but you’ve cleverly turned it around enough for it to stay. Overall I thought this was good with some work it could be very good. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. caul |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
I liked this. I think I feel the tone you intend for this piece. I only have a few minor suggestions. I think the repetition you've built into the end of most stanzas is effective but could be strengthened by doing the following: in the first stanza you end w/"where to begin" w/o a repeater. How about add "where to end" after it? Then on the 3rd stanza you have your repetition in the 2nd line. How about changing the stanza to: I want to make you feel, but I'm afraid to create Feelings of hate I want to write a song and give it no words Never sung, never heard thus, the poem would be: I want to write a poem and give it no name Untitled, unclaimed I want to say something but Im afraid to offend Where to begin Where to end You blame poverty Claim it robbed you of your precious dreams No way out, or so it seems Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems I want to make you feel, but I'm afraid to create Feelings of hate I want to write a song and give it no words Never sung, never heard You wear long sleeves To cover your heart, it's out there for all to see No hidden corners, no privacy Destiny yelds a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I definately like these suggestions! Let me know if this is better... I want to write a poem and give it no name Untitled, unclaimed I want to say something but Im afraid to offend Where to begin You blame poverty Claim it robbed you of your precious dreams No way out, or so it seems Destiny yields to a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems I want to write a song and give it no words Never sung, never heard I want to make you feel, but I'm afraid to create Feelings of hate You wear long sleeves To cover your heart, it's out there for all to see No hidden corners, no privacy Destiny yields to a stronger hand Or so it seems So it seems I like the Where to begin Where to end but then have no match for Feelings of hate. And yes, yeld was a major typo... the term I wanted was wield, as to use, but I don't like the sound of the "w" and "yields to" changes the entire meaning. I'm still stuck on that one too. Thank you!! [This message has been edited by ladysixstring (edited 08-23-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jaime, I think you're being too general here. On the one hand you have a speaker who is afraid to write or create (but she does anyway) and on the other, you have a character who seems caught up in destiny or fate - a lack of empowerment. Why not work on a more specific character portrayal? Give us clearer details on how these two situations (even if they are the same) came about and show us the problems inherent in this poem. I think this will bring the reader closer. It's a tantalizing piece but one that makes me want more. Just an opinion, Brad |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Hi Brad, "On the one hand you have a speaker who is afraid to write or create (but she does anyway)" Well, it's a little hard to share the feelings of the character without writing them. Sort of a catch 22 situation. I don't see anyway around this and I don't feel it takes away from anyone who can relate to the feelings of "holding back" for fear of offending (stanza 1). Or for those who can relate to writing songs or poems that are only for themselves and never meant to share (stanza 3). "you have a character who seems caught up in destiny" You're right. I didn't think about it before but 1 and 3 have absolutely nothing to do with 2 and 4. I'm not sure how to tie them together and/or if I even should. Maybe I should concider two separate pieces. "It's a tantalizing piece but one that makes me want more." Thank you. And thanks for reading. -jaimie |
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