Shut your Eyes - + Use of Stanza

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fonics17
Junior Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 12

0 posted 2000-08-13 11:34 AM

Hi again,
I'm new to this site, and thought I'd post two poems of mine onto the forums...I'm hoping to improve my writing before school comes again in the fall. Anyways, this poem is about two young girls in love, and who are scared of what may happen in the future when one goes to college, or scared that they really do love each other.
I've recently been experimenting with loading stanza one with imagery, and then connecting it with a person/thing in stanza two. I've found it works well for me, and is becoming my sort of style. But I'm still experimenting, and would greatly appreciate any comments/good AND bad. Thanks! Its called "Shut Your Eyes".

The stars chased the sky back
As the moonlight glowed upon the warm summer night
And danced with the warm summer grass,
Casting silent shadows about
That neither darkness or hate could destroy.

Stretched out, she laid on that grass
The moonlight tracing her soft cheek
And her eyes were closed, shut tight with dreams
And her hair fell lazily around
The girl she loves.

Sleep well, sweet child
Drift silently into the night
This is the dreamer's hour.
So shut your eyes, and never let go
The future has no power over us now.

I walk around the world blind
And the flowers are still there, to my amazement.
A rose, by any other name, would smell just as sweet
And its petals, of any other color, are just as soft
And by any other form,
It would still be a rose to me.

So love her.
Love her, and all time will stop for you
And the stars will shine
And the moonlight will never fade upon your cheek.

Shut your eyes, and hold her close
And never let go
Sleep well, sweet child, sleep well.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

1 posted 2000-08-13 01:25 PM

I see you make abundant use of those favorite poetic words: moon and stars. I think most of this is good. In the second stanza I find the tense you use rather confusing. And I think you could probably find a better way to describe grass than 'that' grass. I like the 'rose' stanza though it is heavily borrowed. And I think the last stanza is soft. But all told, not bad. Good luck with your schooling.

Janie
Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 158

2 posted 2000-08-13 01:40 PM

I like the imagery and see the picture you've painted.

It's harder to critique free form non-rhyming poetry and there aren't any real "rules". For me, I believe the greater depth you can create in the smallest number of words is desirable.

I think I said this on the other piece you posted too, that even though this is free form, non-rhyme it seems would be beneficial to make sure its not cluttered with extra, unnecessary words.

Just looking at this part:

The stars chased the sky back
As the moonlight glowed upon the warm summer night
And danced with the warm summer grass,
Casting silent shadows about
That neither darkness or hate could destroy.

I have a hard time reading the first line as it is.

This is how I might edit it.

The stars chased back the sky
As moonlight glowed on the hot, summer night
And danced with warm green grass
While cast were silent shadows
Neither dark or hate could destroy

I think my addition of the word "hot" in the second line helps build on your theme, passion and love. Also, I didn't catch 'til just now your use of the word "Summer" in both the first and second line. I opted to change the description of the grass to indicate its color, green. This adds to the imagery and also builds on the theme of "life". The grass is alive because its green and so is the love shared between your characters.

Just my take.......

fonics17
Junior Member

since 2000-08-13

Posts 12

3 posted 2000-08-13 05:58 PM

Thanks guys! Yes, a major problem I have is my line length, and Iuckily I just purchased a new notebook thats not colleged ruled...and I'm hoping it will help me make the most use of my words, and keep them down to what I need to convey the strongest image/message. I have a feeling this site is going to help me a lot, because I'm entering a Composistion AP class in the fall (Junior year of High School), and its a LOT of work, but thanks!
-Chris (fonics17)

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