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I'd Die for You
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I'd Die for You |
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Majestic Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 264houston, tx. |
Yon moon flies high this fine summer’s eve Time I deem for this spell to conceive Her heart shall beat; lungs draw breath once more Cold hand shall warm as I brave death's door From lover's moon I gather luminescent light Stars I steal so that her eyes shall be ever bright A field of roses shall provide the scent for her hair Mother Nature to make her skin soft beyond compare Two intertwined rose vines to signify husband and wife In the soft light of dawn I steal beauty to give her life The cool north wind shall give her everlasting breath Soft slanting rays from the sun to wake her from death And last of all I place in her heart a small twinkling glow That thing from my own heart that some call a soul < !signature--> "To live is to love; To truly LOVE is to live!" ~kg~ [This message has been edited by Majestic (edited 08-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith Gill - All Rights Reserved | |||
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Hi..I like this ..nice images..meter is off..I think you can fix that.. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
got a double post for some reason..  [This message has been edited by pegasus111 (edited 08-09-2000).] |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Majestic, I love it. Beautifully worded and heartfelt. Oh, yes, this should make her glow. marcy |
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Majestic Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 264houston, tx. |
Pegasus..I've never studied anything about poetry..so, if you would, tell me what you mean by the meter being off...and thanks for the reply..and also thanks to you Alle'cram. Your reply is much appreciated.. "To live is to love; To truly LOVE is to live!" ~kg~ |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'll let Pegasus come back and explain the finer points of meter (the true joy of writing poetry) but with this poem, I wonder if you might consider dropping the rhyme and concentrating on more down to earth images. Yes, I'd like a little more meat, a little more story - a situation so that I can see this pledge a little more clearly. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I don't see any reason why your rhyme scheme should inherently be detracting. But several of them appear a little forced. It would probably be worthwhile to find a few new words or reword a few lines to make it seem more natural. Pete |
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