»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Discarded Memories
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Discarded Memories |
|
|
MMoonchild Senior Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 1715PA 
|
Discarded Memories When I was young I colored my own world (sky blue, my favorite crayon) Drew my own boundaries (mostly in squares) Outlined my own life Inside I created crooked houses, smiling sunrises straight rainbows and trees with armed branches (to protect the nesting baby birds) Drew stick figure families, mom, dad, brothers and my sister all, as I perceived them Never had a diary never wrote in a journal never noted my experiences just lived my life, contented Searching now, I see myself, in the mirror, shadows appear my past rises up, (rememberences of yesterday) and I wonder: "Where have all the discarded mirrors gone?" Maureen [This message has been edited by MMoonchild (edited 08-01-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Maureen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Nice play at the end there. My only suggestion that, maybe, you can tighten it up a little bit - I don't think some of the picture symbolism carries the theme as well as they might. A shorter, tighter poem might creat a better effect. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
MMoonchild Senior Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 1715PA |
can you give me an example Brad...so I get the picture ...no pun intended thank you M |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is a very quick example: When I was young I colored my own world sky blue, my favorite crayon. Drew my own boundaries in squares. Inside I created crooked houses, smiling sunrises and trees with armed branches to protect the nesting baby birds with stick figure families. Never had a diary or a journal. Now, I see myself and try to recall real memories. Where are the discarded mirrors? Well, maybe not, but at least you can see the idea. I think a more minimalist approach give a greater punch to that last line. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
MMoonchild Senior Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 1715PA |
thank you I will study it and try to rewrite it a bit later...you dont have to say in "your opinion" as if I am in this section then I expect to hear and learn how to improve it.. thank you ~~soft smiles Maureen |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
MMoonchild: All we have to offer are opinions, Maureen ... few, if any, of us have crested the steep side of the learning curve but we are happy to share what little we have picked up along the way. We're all learning together.  That said ... to the poem: I agree with Brad that "tightening" the poem up would be beneficial to how the poem reads. As written, with the parentheses, the rhythm of your poem is broken up and loses its easy-reading feel. Smoothening the lines out in this way, in my opinion, would improve the sound a great deal. Try reading the first stanza out loud as you have written it and then read Brad's version and I think you will notice the difference. I like the idea and the theme. I am curious if you intended an implied double-meaning of "drawing own boundaries ... mostly in squares" ... Were there thoughts of living the "straight-and-narrow" life in these lines? Just wondering if this is part of the regret evident in your final lines. Thanks for posting. I enjoyed reading this poem. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-02-2000).] |
||
|
MMoonchild Senior Member
since 2000-07-13
Posts 1715PA |
yes Jim you are very astute..I have lived too straight and narrow of a life and at this stage want to be wild..if I could only know how...and have many regrets thank you Maureen |
||
|
calamity jane New Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 4 |
I loved it. to me (and maybe because Im a girl) I felt as if I somehow knew you, or had learnt about you by what you wrote. the things you did are familiar to me (although I did HAVE a journal) I think the long version is like a story because it unfolds.....the short version is kinda punchy - more dramatic.... I like the story though. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
