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Critical Analysis #1

This Love

orpheus
Junior Member

since 1999-07-10

Posts 30
Portugal

0 posted 1999-07-17 01:47 AM

This love
Of light and shadows
Of dying colours
And naked words
Bleed
Feel
Hurt
Running through your mouth
And breaking on my lips

And I don't know how to tell you
That you are all that matters
And I am all that's left

That every single word
Inside of me
Is seeking you
So desperately
Beyond reach
And all my sorrows

[This message has been edited by orpheus (edited 07-17-99).]

[This message has been edited by orpheus (edited 07-19-99).]

[This message has been edited by orpheus (edited 07-19-99).]

Daniel2
Junior Member

since 1999-07-13

Posts 28
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

1 posted 1999-07-17 09:58 AM

I feel the pain and desperation to make contact with another here. Some good choice phrases. I like the idea of words seeking another.
I am left with difficulties tho in the syntax and structure. Is "Bleed" in the imperative? Perhaps not capitalizing every first line and some punctuation could help identify the transitions from one thought to another. Keep up the good work.

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