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Perfect
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Perfect |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania 
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Still working on it, but I think it as least a little better, don't you??? I love you more, than you could ever know Know you better than anyone at all All the guys mean nothing compared to you You are the one I love forever and longer Longer than eternity I will be your friend Friend, and a confidant, your partner in life Life is special and perfect with you here Here in my life you always need to stay Stay this way forever like I know you will Will make me happy and I will always try Try to make you happy and love you You made my world a happy and loving Loving and serene as I hope it will always be Be the angel that guards me from all danger Danger from all evil, you keep me safe, Safe and protected, you care for me sweetly Sweetly perfect as you always will be Be mine for ever and I will keep you happy Happy we found each other, you and I. ------------------ People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. -Bob Hope [This message has been edited by Angel (edited 09-11-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What do you mean by 'right'? If it works for you, who cares what other people think? If it works for someone else, it doesn't mean it's 'right' either -- it means someone else liked it. Maybe that comes off wrong. Rather, I don't understand what you mean by that statement. Personal feelings on this poem: It's too vague to get a clear idea of what you're trying to potray. Is it religious? Is it about a boyfriend? Is it the portrayal of a self centered person who literally cares nothing about the person she is talking about? It's fairly clear that the speaker is feminine. Is this a case of misdirection? You have no images of the person you're talking about except that he is perfect and that he should never change. From my point of view, a very strange basis for a relationship (of course, I see change as inevitable and an interesting part of any relationship). If your partner is perfect, how can he change? If your partner is perfect, why do you keep telling him what to do or not to do? I see no action, no giving, on part of the speaker. If this is sincere, show us what you do for him. If this is a portrayal of a self centered woman, it works fine (I still want more detail though). If this is sincere, I wouldn't presume to judge your relationship (Boy, that would be pretty stupid, wouldn't it?). If this is a character portrayal, it's done well but I still would like more concrete images: show us how this relationship works together. Drop the title. It reminds me of some of the ludicrous lines in 'The Fifth Element'. Just my opinion, Brad |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Point very, very well taken. I think the problem with this one is I really didn't know where I wanted to go with it. It is definitely supposed to be about our relationship and I really understand what you are saying. I really wasn't thinking when I wrote it, it was very late at night. I plan to revise it and edit my post so check back and tell me what you think. ------------------ People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. -Bob Hope |
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TheCandyMan_1 Junior Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 38NY |
Angel- I won't go into the same comments already given above... Nicely worded by Brad  I think the question you were originally asking was, "Is the style and formatting right?". With the last word of each line becoming the first of the next. I like that style actually. I think you did a marvelous job of keeping that going throughout the poem...it is hard to do. But content is most important. Give us those feelings mixed with background...and excellence will be found. Looking forward to seeing what you do with this. |
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