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Critical Analysis #1

My Source

JohnDoe82
Junior Member

since 1999-08-04

Posts 42
MO, USA

0 posted 1999-08-31 05:17 PM

My Source

What is this joy that I now feel,
A happiness before not known,
With whom did I strike up this deal,
Is it for real or just a loan?

What is this joy within my heart,
Am I deserving of this peace,
Not now, but when are we to part,
Or when will time devoid this lease?

What is this joy from nowhere come,
It's source, I try, but cannot find,
A hand stretched out, my heart to strum,
And only asks that I be kind.

What is this joy that came to me,
That brightens up my every day,
That lets me live so happily,
I only hope it's here to stay.

My first post here. Have at it.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-08-31 07:51 PM

Having at it.

It's not a bad poem, a pleasurable read but is that what you want to hear? For my taste it is far too general and loses any impact on the reader. What made you feel this way? What situation caused you, inspired you to write this poem. If it just 'happened', why not right a poem of where and when it just 'happened'. A good poem, in my opinion, depends on detail, not on vague 'feelings'.

On the other hand, if that's what you wanna write, I much prefer 'happy' poems to others that dwell on the meaningless of life.

Your style seems awkward if only because you seem more concerned about keeping a rhyme scheme going then about keeping the flow of the sentence going.
'What is this joy from nowhere come'
'A happiness before not known'
seems very forced.
'devoid this lease' -- intentionally comic?

The last line reminds me of a song (intentional?) -- but, for me, that detracts from any punch that last line might have.

How does the structure of your poem reflect the theme?

How does your meter help convey the theme to the reader?

Like I said before, it's a 'nice' poem. And if that was your intention, you succeeded quite well. If you wanted more, though, I think it needs a lot more work.

Had at it (and never meant to be personal),
Brad

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