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Beautiful Blue
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Beautiful Blue |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
Beautiful Blue Many times I have gazed into the depths of blue hoping to catch a glimpse of the treasures below Longing to discover what secrets lie buried under the beautiful blue Though I try I see not what lies below for the storm driven waves, opaque, the surface make Only blurry images of distorted treasures I see under the beautiful blue Hours I spend praying for an end to the depression that feeds the storm driven waves rolling in Only to obscure my view of the treasure under the beautiful blue Helpless to intervene I can only watch and hope as ripples grow to waves never ending The storm far off reaches here even still under the beautiful blue But alas I see a break in the cloudy sky as calm slowly replaces the waves For one brief moment I can see below under the beautiful blue And as I peer ever deeper into the depths what wondrous treasures to me are revealed By rays of sunshine reflected back at me under the beautiful blue And though I long to explore the depths I fear the ripple I may cause That would steal the beauty I appreciate so under the beautiful blue |
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| © Copyright 2000 M. Derek Drudge - All Rights Reserved | |||
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
note...first off the title typo has gotta go!  Anyways other than that I felt like this was a delve into SOMEONE not an ocean like it seems, but someone, someone *blue* who you are trying to reach...hence the depression remark....am I correct???? I look forward to your reply  |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
XA, You hit the nail right on the head. You are very perceptive. I was inspired to write this poem by a very dear friend. She was/is going through a very difficult time in her life and just became a single parent due to a messy divorce (The storm far off). Hoping to cheer her up and bring a little sunshine into her life I invited her and some friends on a cruise. I wrote this poem as I sat and watched her from across the room in a lounge on the ship, as she talked to a new friend she met onboard. It was the first time that I had seen her REALLY smile in a LONG time (But alas I see a break in the cloudy sky). The "treasures below" refer to her inner person or soul, for I believe she is truly a beautiful person. And then there is the "beautiful blue". You see, she has the most beautiful big blue eyes I have ever seen. Many times I have looked into her eyes (Many times I have gazed into the depths of blue) in hopes of knowing her better, learning some secret and getting a glimps of the real person being hidden by the "Storm" and "depression". So see, you were correct! Thank you for your comments! Best wishes! Poetaster D |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
I have to admit...you kept me guessing right to the end...somewhat like a "who done it" format. I thought right through the poem you were either talking about the ocean or someone thinking of suicide cuz of the storm raging within them. I enjoyed your poem but much prefer written pieces where I don't need someone to explain to me what the actual message is...I would hope by the end of the poem I would have my answer. I wish you luck with your deep blue eyed friend  |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
poetasterD-- i think this poem could be tightened somewhat, stanzas 2 and 3 especially i thought were repetitive. and while repetition of the phrase "under the beautiful blue" is nice, i think you repeat it too often; stanzas 4-5-6 could probably be pared down and combined into a new stanza (with more than three lines). as it is, the piece almost comes to a halt at the end of each stanza, and alot of the stanzas don't have much to say, really (for example, stanza 5, where the speaker says simply that he can finally see below the surface). that being said, it might have been nice to read more about what the speaker saw under the beautiful blue, beyond "treasures," "secrets," and "beauty;" you might want to consider expanding on that a bit. especially in the beginning stanzas, i thought your wording was a little awkward, contorted for no reason that i could see, almost like you are trying hard to be 'poetic.' for example: for the storm driven waves, opaque, the surface make instead of: for the storm-driven waves make the surface opaque or: The storm far off reaches here even still instead of: The far-off storm reaches even here maybe, in the end, it's just a matter of style, but you might want to consider looking at those lines (and others like them) again. in a similar vein, alot of your phrases seemed familiar and kind of flat (for example, "storm driven waves rolling in"), you might punch it up a bit by using some more vivid imagery to describe what you are seeing. two other things: at one point, you say the waves are "never ending", then in the very next stanza the waves end. i know "never ending" is really just a figure of speech, but you might try describing the waves differently in the prior stanza. the word "alas", in addition to being archaic, signals to me some disappointment, sorrow, or concern, but you use it here to signal a positive event (the break in the clouds). i think "at last" might work better for you there. i "got" that this was not simply about the ocean, especially after seeing "depression" and "helpless to intervene." it's a great idea for a poem (i generally like reading poems that operate on two (or more) levels). your closing lines i thought were very good, and they added a bit of a surprise or twist at the end, very well done. i hope to see more of your work out here, thanks for sharing this with us. jenni |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
sorry! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
i hate it when that happens, the ol' triple post. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-08-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I liked the concept...I figured out that it was a person who was feeling blue...and I also think you did a nice job with your word choices and their placement. I especially liked the last stanza, so full of caring, yet knowing when to step back. You never know, though. There may come a time when you and the beautiful blue explore together. Best wishes, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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