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A Field Of Roses On An Unseen Plane..not finished..need help..
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Field Of Roses On An Unseen Plane..not finished..need help.. |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
*note: This is part of a VERY long poem (around 235 line long) and I'm re-writing the poem. I'm having a hard time at it, and I want to post the first two verses and see what I get. Yes there is a rhyme pattern, it's 1,2,2,1,1,2..Please, share ANY thoughts you have- good, bad, and other wise. I thank you. Cracked windows as he sighs with new found things and falling rain, the re-opened wounds bring forth fresh pain. Clouds and moonbeams have fallen from the skies, shaken lose by his mind's screams trying to lift the guise of the torment on the unseen plane. He's lived his life trying to ignore it all; the lie coated words, hopes,and pipe dreams placed before him to be taken as they seemed. Lies led to broken promises, graceful falls, and carefully placed walls built in places untouched by any moonbeams. ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Alain DeLaCendres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It seems a little strange to comment on two stanzas without seeing the rest of the poem but my first thought would be to clean up the meter -- rhyming and unmetered poetry almost never work together (there is always the exception). Hard to see the motivation here but it's probably in the rest of the poem. Personal idiosyncrasy: don't like the work 'moonbeam'. Is this a poem set in the 60's? Thanks, Brad |
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Alain DeLaCendres Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 119Ohio |
I apologize for not posting the rest of the poem for you..I have the rest, but I'm going through it peice by peice. As far a meter, I hate it. Hehehe. I understand the need of it, and I'll probably end up adding it, but I utterly hate it. I have a terrible time with it.. As far as the question about the 60's..I don't suppose this has any time frame to it, really. And if it did..well..I don't know..this poem came out very very fast so.. I thank you much for your opinions, maybe when I get a little farther on this I'll check back in with you. Thanks again. ------------------ Tout s'en va, tout passe, l'eau coule, et le couer oublie. [This message has been edited by Alain DeLaCendres (edited 08-24-99).] |
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