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Critical Analysis #1
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Two lovers, finding danger in every place, but that which they call their own........
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Critical Analysis #1
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Two lovers, finding danger in every place, but that which they call their own........
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Two lovers, finding danger in every place, but that which they call their own........ |
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brandondinsmore Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142OKC, OK |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- october's juniper has fallen, measured, down to me, a swirl's trajectory; dismally i stared, and conspired with the blanketing ground. to interject, and be-snatch you... i see a swimming, composing swift waves, doppleganger. burning trees around alter-egos seeking shaded congruency. faux. strike a mistake. indigo gel melts with a dripping sky and air cuts my ear, resounds do some gracefulness with, as i, myself, your's to fall forever, ever fading and falling, severed, staining cryptic photochrome. pinch the Moabittess in folds of hazy cellophane plus the fogging of our serene scape; a sudden flash... an other-worldly minute, please. bring into future the appeased past. huff. the planets move. sweet fall. descent; swing low grasp my grasp your grasping my grasp. air clears and sky awaits us, to ascend our descent liquid covers frosty film beg. transparency: open curtains faded, enter step into still frame remove lost acquaintance strike a gesture, then a pose. how milky. white and serenely soft. i swim. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brandon-- you have some really beautiful, startling, arresting images here, i really liked this piece, and the poem's "voice" is simply wonderful. i would say i'd dearly love to see this photograph of the falling juniper, but then, in a way, i guess i have through your piece. very well done! jenni |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
oh, i agree. just lovely lovely images, and i like the stilted way is presented. only, i dont like that line where you say grasp four times, maybe 2 times would be good, but i think 4 is pushing. only other thing, you might consider braking up into more stanzas. to give line numbers (cuz i got carried away with this  )i would put stanza breaks after lines 6, 11, 22, 35. just my two cents (im making myself broke this way) luv Elyse |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
really enjoyed the jilt of the structre here. gave great weight to the images, don't really know any other things that could be improved.well done |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Brandon~ You have some lovely, original images here. I would suggest that you clip a few of them, however. Start with the title. Perhaps rename it: "To Dangerous Places, Two Lovers". (Or something even more concise.) I think that the poem really gets going at the lines: i see a swimming, composing swift waves, doppleganger. I suggest that you start the poem there, but that's my humble opinion. Also, the lines that I didn't care for were these: strike a gesture, then a pose. It reminded me of a Madonna song and they didn't seem necessary. You have a beautiful ending. Now just work on the begining.(and title) best regards, bboog |
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brandondinsmore Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142OKC, OK |
Most duly noted everyone...Thanks for the input; I shall commence revision immediately. As for the deletion of lines -greatly appreciated. I have wnated this kind of help from the main forum, but found it only in here...Once again, thanks. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brandon: This is quality work. If you read some of my replies to other posts you will see that I rarely have no suggestions for improvement to offer and I think this is one of those rare times. So I will point out what it is about this poem that works so well with me. I thought one of the great strengths of this poem, besides those mentioned previously (images, wording, beauty, etc.) is your command of the structure. I find that many are tempted to end thoughts or phrases at the ends of lines but you continue your thoughts, smoothly, from one line to the next, enjambing your lines often. I don't often see this done as well as you've done it in this poem. There are also hints of some rhyme (internal and end, not always perfect) but no discernible rhyme scheme. You also hit the alliteration pretty often (but not too often). Your meter was obviously deliberate and this complimented those hints of rhyme well. I am actually glad that you didn't chose to go with a tight rhyme scheme because of the length of most of your lines. I find that the rhymes often take over the lines in these instances. Thanks for the read, Brandon. I enjoyed it. Jim P.S. Okay, there was one thing but I suppose it is sort of cheating because it was already mentioned. The "grasp" line reads much faster than the surrounding lines. By having the grasp lines written the way they are, it has an effect of reading slow/fast/slow. If this is the effect you wanted then I suggest you keep it in. If you wanted to slow the action down a bit I would suggest a few word changes. Later. |
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Two lovers, finding danger in every place, but that which they call their own........
