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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hierarchy |
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Merlot New Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 7 |
You act out against your own security, wanting nothing from me, just your official title. You act out against your own bigotry, not willing to see all the suffering you've caused. Is it too hard for you to understand, seeing blood drip from a hand, seeing a face shattered to a wall. It's pieces erode away standing up without a downfall. Take my offering and do not stay. This battle between you and I, this boundless circle never ending, I myself am confined thriving on false messages you're sending. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Merlot - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Perhaps try and bring the rhyming in a bit tighter, and even out the metre a bit between the lines. I think the poem will be much more powerful and dramatic if you compress it in this way a bit. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Merlot: I liked your poem but found it a little bit vague. I think there are many unexplored possibilities and places for you to take your poem. Bigotry, for example, is a strong word but I think clarifying the object of that bigotry would solidify the image. Your use of rhyme seemed very natural in most places (not a big fan of the "downfall" line). Also, "seeing" as the first word in two consecutive lines slowed the flow of the second stanza for me. A suggestion: "Is it too hard for you to understand, seeing blood drip from a hand, a face shattered against a wall, pieces eroding away standing up without a fall? Accept my offer -- Go away." The third stanza left me wonder what this cyclical battle is that is going on and what the false messages are. I am incurably nosey (in case you haven't noticed).   I liked this, Merlot, and I don't want you to think that any of my suggestions/comments were intended to be personal in any way. Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis and I sincerely look forward to reading more of you work. Jim |
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