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My Despair(a Haiku)
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My Despair(a Haiku) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Towering waves howl~ Piercing vindictive roars~ Swirling emotions not too sure about this one...comments appreciated  |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
very different from other haiku i've read... i usually think of that form as very reflective and calm because of its spareness, but this is anything but calm. not that that's a bad thing, just an observation. doesn't the middle line need seven syllables instead of six? also... i don't think i'd keep the title as "my despair." that seems a bit too obvious for poetry. an interesting read, thank you The land sustaining us seemed to hold firm Only when we embraced it in extremis. All I believe happened there was vision. --Seamus Heaney |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
K~ I feel the same way when I look at the balance in my checkbook. best regards, bboog |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Kaile, yes this is very well written. However, you should consider calling this a Senryu (pronounced sen-ree-yoo) simply because a haiku is nature-based (example- sun, moon, birds, rain, water, flower) a senryu is similar to the haiku, but deals with human rather than physical nature. And the middle line should be 7 syllables not six. I did enjoy this one, I can relate to the way you describe pain and sorrow in this piece. Take care, Melissa Honeybee |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Kaile, I think your towering waves and swirling emotions work together pretty well here. You asked for opinions so I'll add my two cents. I think this works better simply as a three line poem than a haiku. My source for haikus says they work better without the big words and they depict something -- as in painting or coloring a picture -- particularly an aspect of nature. I think what you've done here is more along the lines of expressing an emotion or a feeling. My source also states that the Japanese who originated the form never counted syllables they counted sounds and the total number of sounds added up to more like 12 than 17. The 17 syllable form is a tradition that evolved over time for no real reason. A haiku is simply a three line poem with the second line a little longer than the first and third line. This is probably a lot more than you wanted to know, but since I like to write haikus I thought I'd let you know what the guidelines I use for this form are. ;-) |
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