Pain of Silence (My 4th attempt at Free Verse)

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Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

0 posted 2000-03-28 09:05 PM

This is my 4th attempt at free verse.
These are dangerous waters for me.

PAIN OF SILENCE

silence is thunder
that vibrates inner ear
and echoes in mellowed chambers
of the mind

it shears umbilical connections
that pour life and love into the veins
and smothers the creative phrase
of spoken thought

it is a meadowlark
wrapped in a shroud of “no”
a harp buried in the
unopened hymnal of the spirit
a vacuum of life
that sends a lance’s pain
through the still of void
and sears nerve ends
with empty burning

it holds the ear prisoner
to the stillness
and oh, how painful
this torment of the heart
on the fiercest edge
of torture

and I,
the victim of silence
ponder the why

and they,
the child of fear
the brother of timidity
the mother of loneliness
all sit at the table
of silence
with me
as I hunger for
The veil of
unspoken words
to be lifted

Elizabeth Santos

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-29-2000).]

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

1 posted 2000-03-28 09:23 PM

Hey Liz

1st Stanza
I can see your are tempted to write a structure poem. 4 lines that look familiar.
I think is a good opening stanza. I would take out "that" in line 2 and "the" in the 3rd line. By taking out "the" it open's the stanza up to the reader for interpretation. This will allow them to identify with it rather than try to figure out what "THE mellowed chamber" is to you. By leaving the there it makes it your. By taking it out it makes it ours.

2nd stanza

Again I would take out the in the 1st line.
instead of breath as a descriptor I would use soemthing with flow(ie blood)to me that would make it a stronger image and thus connectinf to the idea in the 1st line.

it holds the ear prisoner
to nothingness
I think this is weak in comparision to the images that come before it.

I like the rest of the poem. I think you can bring alot of your mini-stanza together intead of having them apart as you have.

See YA

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

2 posted 2000-03-28 09:24 PM

Liz,
Nice. Suggestions:
I think that I would prefer this one to be more personal. Example, instead of:
silence is a thunder
that vibrates the inner ear
and echoes in the mellowed chambers
of the mind

Perhaps,
your silence is a thunder
that vibrates my inner ear
and echoes in the mellowed chambers
of my mind

Also, I think that I would delete the entire last stanza though and just end at "ponder,why".

Of course, that's just me. You are free to do as you wish. I'm usually inclined to knock two rooms into one. You may wish to build more walls.
best regards,
bboog

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

3 posted 2000-03-28 11:22 PM

Toni and bboog, I have read your wonderful comments, and have started to make some changes, but I've been interrupted. I'll be back tomorrow to respond to your remarks and work some on this poem. Thank you both. It's a hectic household getting ready for my husband's homecoming (see announcements). But I shall return tomorrow.
Thanks
Liz

TONI- Back again. I made all the changes that you suggested and it works a lot better.I substituted "pour" for "breath". I kept in the line about the ear being prisoner to nothingness, but changed it to stillness. Thanks for the suggestions and the comments. They were very helpful.
liz

BBOOG, I liked your suggestion about changing this to first person and did in fact do that, but I ended up switching back again.I like the last verse simply because I was the victim of silence once which was devestating to me and I never knew why until a few months ago. A question resolved after 30 years. (it's just a personal thing). Thanks so much for your comments and for taking time to read my poetry
It is appreciated
Liz

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-29-2000).]

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