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Mother Earth
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mother Earth |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
I can see mother earth’s entrails ripped from her bowels by cars who tear at her flesh Tears laden with acid fall from her blood shot eyes. I can hear the moans of children, unborn filling my ears Moans for a pain that is already too real. Screaming trees and whispering winds warn deaf ears. I can taste the greed that men do posses, and are possessed by. yearning like ravenous wolves for all they see. I can feel the pollution crawling like insects over my skin Yet not so beautiful. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Tony. I like this!! I know it may be odd but I will start with a comment about the last line first - hehe. K the backwards... I think the last line is fantastic...it sounds great and also carried the theme...it is the kind of line that leaves one pondering your words. Wonderful stuff! I think you have created a strong first verse - it really sets the scene and drew me in...no punches pulled. This is an issue too many people take lightly - it is absorbed into our cultural ideology that we are kind of invincible...we forget our Mother Earth. I was wondering about the line: 'fall from her blood shot eyes', though. I feel that perhaps deleting either 'fall' or 'her' might work a little better. That, I suppose sounds odd, since the line is grammatically correct (but who needs to adhere to grammar in poetry all the time?); it is more to do with the sound I think. So for example it could become: I can see mother earth’s entrails ripped from her bowels by cars who tear at her flesh Tears laden with acid fall from blood shot eyes. if you removed 'her' which would absolve the repetition....but, that presents a problem in itself by becoming ambigiuous - whose eyes are blood shot? So - I really think that this: I can see mother earth’s entrails ripped from her bowels by cars who tear at flesh, tears laden with acid from her blood shot eyes. works quite well - the comma links it to the 'I can see' and it flows just a little tighter. By removing the 'her' in the third line it ensures that there is only one instance of repetition (from) in the verse... I know I am harping on about repetition - it's just one of my little bugs. To me there are two basic forms of Rep.: Not so good and good. I think that what you have done with the word 'moans' in the second verse is a perfect illustration of good! It is a word that reinforces a concept, an image and a sound - all three combine to demonstrate an action - the world in pain - further reinforced by the 'screaming trees'. I also like the use of the words 'possess' (you just need to add an 's'  ) and 'possessed' - that is a great image.And I find that last verse absolutely excellent! One more point: The punctuation is inconsistent and I honestly think you don't need it that much - (though I used it in one of my suggestions I know...)or else I feel it needs to be consistent to get the necessary effect. Hey - this is great! Thanks for the read... K< !signature--> 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-27-2000).] |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Thanks Severn This is one of those poems that I am really proud of. THe poem has evolved but the last line has remained the same. I really like it too. But I thank you for your other comments as well See ya |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Tony, I would love to see the revised version... K |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Toni, This poem hit very close to my heart, as both my husband and I are fighting the devesating effects of pollution. They say our town has the highest rate of cancer in the state and the highest rate of nervous disorders. It is a small town , surrounded by a nuclear power plant, Occidental Chemical (we call it "Accidental"), a warehouse of toxic waste, three landfills, a Walmart shopping center which was built over drums of toxic waste, and Cabot chemical. So when I read your poem about "mother earth's entrails ripped from her bowels", I felt your words. I feel the "pollution crawling like insects over my skin" every time I shake from Parkinsons tremors. I have no doubt that our deseases are a result of the environment. You said it all in this poem, everything I feel. I agree with Severn, the ending is superb. Excellent poem Liz |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Liz thanks for the comments. I really appreciate your feed back. I will re-write this piece and repost. See YA |
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