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Critical Analysis #1
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Love gone wrong
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love gone wrong |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
I was with him much to long. 7 years of my life, where did we go wrong? I thought we would be forever.. never be appart A special place is where I hold him, always in my heart We had a love like no other and made a great pair... Tell me how could it be? It just isnt fair.. We have 2 babies beautiful as can be one looks like him the other looks like me We knew we couldnt hang on no not any longer... Those feelings never gone and now we're getting stronger Life without him, I thought I couldnt bare to let him go I think I felt my heart tare He's a good man This I'll really miss I'm sending this out to you Chuck and its sealed with a kiss... I love you!! love dana |
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| © Copyright 2000 Dana Wheeler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
whoops wrong place to post this... Its not that good ehehhehe oh well lay it on me!!  |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I would find it hard to bear my critical claws for something that rings as heartfelt as this. I'll just say I wish for you (and the kids) (and Chuck, I guess) joy and warmth in future. Now I'll leave you to the bears and tigers. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
What Ted said. Quite touching. I truly hope all works out well for you. Pete |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
LOL dont feel bad!! Its here do what you have to... Chuck and I are free thats what I mean by it... We love each other enough to set each other free Dana |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay guys, this seems like a situation that's too personal but it doesn't have to be a critique that's critical. Pete, you are definitely on my target list.  You are far too humble for your own good. What about throwing out some ideas that the poem inspired in you? You don't have to 'slice and dice', just tell us what you're thinking. Any associations that popped into your head?Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK Brad, Not quite sure to what you refer here. I know I didn't give much of a technical critique, but I don't see anything humble in it either. And though I might try to avoid stepping on other's toes whenever it's not necessary, I would not claim to be humble. In fact my ego is probably as big as any other SOB in here. So there (that was one of those winky things)The ever sweet, humble and lovable Pete. P.S. Now that Dazed has answered and effectively opened the door, maybe I'll try again with a more meaningful critique. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-17-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dana, I've said before that I'm a sucker for love poems, and at first reading, I was touched, and felt your pain. Reading the comments, however, I saw that you laughed, and said the poem was meant to tell the story that you both loved each other enough to set the other free. Was this perhaps a defense mechanism at work? I ask this because your work does not tell that story...it speaks of one who is broken-hearted, and very much misses her love. I sincerely hope that I don't cause any hurt here, but you said you wanted "us" to do what we had to, and I'm just being honest (and curious). I would also like to say that the feelings conveyed in the poem seemed quite genuine, and I, too, wish you all the best. Kristine Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello dazed I’m not a poet and definitely NOT a knowledgeable critic but here’s my opinion anyway. First it struck me that this might read a little better laid out in couplets, turning four lines into two, my only argument for this is that the line break forces a pause where I feel a pause is unnecessary. Second point is a little typo ‘appart’ I believe should read ‘apart’ and ‘tare’ should be ‘tear’, while we’re on the subject you need to stick some apostrophes in the ‘couldnt’ and ‘isnt’s’. These grammatical errors are really no big deal they didn’t affect my reading of the poem but are things that can and should be easily fixed. The last thing is a personal preference for ‘seven’ instead of 7. I know they are read as the same word but it just seems to me as I read that it was done to save time and effort, such a shame when you’ve taken the time and effort to put your feelings down in a fine poem in the first place, right? I understand that this is a poem that lays down your personal feelings a specific moment in time, for that reason I’ve tried to avoid any temptation to change or question the content in any way. What I hope I’ve done is highlight a couple of minor points that you can put right and a layout suggestion you can consider. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
Kristine I'll confess you are right...I just wanted people's honest opinion's on my work not for them to feel sorry for me... Also I really do miss him very much but I never thought I could make it with out him...So this has made me see I can and will make it with out him.. Brad whats all this jive about pete?? Thanx for replying,but I dont think you were really replying to me... Pete thanx so much for your opinion!! Ron thanx for sparing me!!hehehe Dana |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
sorry craig I forgot you in my last message... I'm new at this grammer stuff normally I just sit down and write... anyway thanx for being honest its helpful!! I'm gonna put another poem in and I would really like you to respond..I'll try to do my best on grammer this time...But i'll admit I'm no english major hehehe Dana |
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