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For Loss or Gain
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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For Loss or Gain |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
My wretched soul I knew, When drowning in the depths of love, or lust. And remembrance of virgin hearts of gold, Among the boles of loves forrest. My wretched soul I knew. A sea of passion, my soul. And I with little need to drink, or walk the woods that show no hint of green Nor seek the needles to stich it whole. My wretched soul I knew. As the thirsty earth soaks up the rain, What was of me flows to the brink And goes the way of all lifes streams. A hundred years from now what grew? My wretched soul I knew. Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Cap: I like the "sound" of this one but a clear understanding of the meaning escapes me. Let's take a closer look at it anyway, shall we? "My wretched soul I knew, When drowning in the depths of love, or lust. And remembrance of virgin hearts of gold, Among the boles of loves forrest. My wretched soul I knew." I think you use "soul" differently throughout this piece than I usually see it used in more "cliched" contexts. I think you should lose the period after "lust". It causes too much of a pause, I think. Also "loves" should be "love's" possessive and "forest" has one "r" unless you are referring to Forrest Gump.  I liked how you made "My retched soul I knew" part of the first sentence. I think if you want to keep its repetition at the end of the stanza you may want to consider tying it in to the previous sentence, rather than making it a simple sentence on its own."A sea of passion, my soul. And I with little need to drink, or walk the woods that show no hint of green Nor seek the needles to stich it whole. My wretched soul I knew." I like the imagery in this stanza. I think you might want to use a different word than "passion" if you are going to use it with "sea". Passion is one of those "overdone" words that, I think, can be used effectively but if it is used with another common image it comes across as a little flat. You've mispelled "stitch" and if you use the word "nor", it should be coupled with "neither". Consider "... or walk the woods that neither show a hint of green / Nor seek the needles to stich it whole." Just a suggestion. "As the thirsty earth soaks up the rain, What was of me flows to the brink And goes the way of all lifes streams. A hundred years from now what grew? My wretched soul I knew. I liked this last stanza. This sounds to me to be a lament of lost love. Your wording and tone, I think, is, for the most part, solid and full of imagery. My final, relatively minor suggestion would be to (1) correct the grammatical errors (those are easy), (2) try to avoid common/cliched uses of a few words, and (3) work on you punctuation in order to improve the smoothness of the read. I really liked this poem. It was a very interesting read. Thanks. Jim |
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dbarbera New Member
since 2000-02-22
Posts 8Dallas, TX USA |
I read a lot of things into this one and maybe none of them were valid--I saw a sexual imagery through the "forest" and speaking of "life", especially tied in with the word passion which commonly evokes sexual imagery which is severely limiting--I liked the rhythm of the poem but I'm not sure if I understood--it seemed vague--but I could also just be dense. |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
JB: Thanks for helping me out with this one. Sadly once again I let my impatience get the best of me when I get an idea. I sat down and wrote this in fifteen or twenty minutes and didn't "bother/take the time" to edit it. I don't know if anyone else gets this "mental spillage" too. Sometimes I just let in fall on the floor without wiping it up. This one meant something to me "I guess", or it would be a stain right now. If I could only find a world with 36 hours in the day.  Cap. PS: dbarbera: You are in the right ballpark, it "is" about sex. Cap. Carg. |
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