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This Week's Moderators' Choice: "A Lone Dinghy" by Wendy Flora
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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This Week's Moderators' Choice: "A Lone Dinghy" by Wendy Flora |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Congratulations Wendy! The spotlight's on your poem this week. The feedback on last week's Moderators' Choice pilot prompted us to keep this idea going for a while. For those of you who missed last week's pilot, the Moderators' Choice is a weekly selection of a member's poem, made by your CA Moderators in order to further encourage discussion about that poet's particular poem. This is still a new "thing" here so input/insight/whatever is much appreciated. Enjoy, everyone. *** I saw it The afternoon following a stormy morn A small dinghy bobbing in the gently rolling surf. Unmanned - Demanned, more likely. And my thoughts began to surmise what exactly Had caused her to be out traversing the waves alone. And I pictured a lonely old fisherman Rising before the sun in a small shanty on the beach, Brewing his bitter coffee in a battered metal pot, Bidding goodbye to Mrs. Fisherman, taking care Not to catch the door to the shanty in his net Before having a chance at the fish. He pushes the small boat out to sea, carefully watching The sky for signs of distress, maybe missing that Small, black front just behind the hill. He tosses his net, drags, brings in a small fortune In shining scales. Suddenly, he notices The sky is a little too dark, the air a little too heavy, The shore a little too far... And down he goes. Hello to Captain Nemo, Davey Jones, and Blackbeard... The fish are elated to find one less fisherman, And I lament to find one lone dinghy, Bobbing in the gently rolling surf. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Wen, Firstly, I'd like to say that, as you know, I critiqued this poem when it was posted initially...and I was much too picky, and I was wrong. In rereading slowly, I now see that, exactly as you said, it was your mind's story, and, therefore, it does not have to make perfect sense, or be consistent with reality. What poem really does??!! So, then all you have to worry about is how you tell the story, and since I have already offered my advice on this, I will just say that I apologize if I seemed too harsh the first time. You're a good writer, Wendy. Kristine there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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gofor42 Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 143Arkansas |
Wen, I've always liked this piece. It really is one of the better that you've written, in my opinion. Love ya lots. "If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." --Kingsley Amis |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
one thing that's always troubled me about this poem is its uneven tone or "voice". on the one hand, the imagined story of a lonely old man, who lived a simple life of quiet dignity, worked hard, battled what life had in store for him, had some small measure of success, only to pass from this world unseen, leaving behind only a dinghy forlornly bobbing in the gently rolling surf, really has the potential to give some depth and significance to both the poem's subject matter -- the dinghy -- as well as to the speaker's imagination. in the, end, though, i don't think it does, because the imagined story itself gives no depth to it's main character. both the beginning and the end of the "lonely old fisherman's" final journey are treated almost as a joke, in a jarring, flippant tone. he waves goodbye to "mrs. fisherman"???? oh, come ON. and the climax of what appears to be, from the preceding lines (except the "mrs. fisherman" bit), a simple, quietly powerful story is: "And down he goes. Hello to Captain Nemo, / Davey Jones, and Blackbeard"??? those lines, and the following (the rather awkwardly phrased "the fish are elated to find one less fisherman") say (to me, at least) "isn't this such a cute little story i'm making up!" that's fine, i guess (although i'd have to say, 'what's the point then?"'), but so much of the rest of the poem seems to want to be taken seriously. well, which is it? a cute little light-hearted piece, or an imaginative work of contemplation? in my opinion, it doesn't quite work as either. there are a lot of great parts to this poem; the first ten lines are really good, and the last two bring it back quite nicely to its beginning. but i think it would be more effective with a consistent tone throughout. just my opinion, of course. jenni |
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Lil OnE Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 234Pasco County. Fl. |
Wen... I just wanted to let you know that I really liked this piece. It's imaginative. It is kinda confusing at first, but if you go back and read it again, it's actually quite wonderful. If it's what your mind brought to you... go with it!!!! You don't know me, but you don't like me. You say you could care less how I feel. But how many of you who sit and judge me have ever walked the streets in my shoes?-Korn ~Lil OnE~ |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
ditch "morn", "jones", "nemo", "blackbeard" and "mrs fisherman" for a start. then maybe try to add some original thoughts - who hasn't thought, for a few seconds, the things you're saying when they see a boat like this? but why write about it? what are you telling us? thanks, carolyn. |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Congradulation on having your poem picked! I think it is a very interesting one, and I am by no means the qualified critic. This is the version I came up with, take it or leave it, or maybe get some ideas from it. I saw it In afternoon Following a Stormy morn Unmanned Demanned, more likely And I wondered exactly What had caused her to be Traversing the waves alone. I pictured a lonely old fisherman Rising before the sun From a small shanty on the beach After brewing his bitter coffee In a battered metal pot Then bidding goodby to the Mrs. Taking care not to catch the net On the shanty door. Pushing the small boat out to sea He carefully watches the sky For sign of distress Tossing his net Dragging Bringing in a small fortune In shinning scales Glancing upward He notices a sky A little too dark Feels the air a little too heavy The shore, a little too far His future a little too bleak |
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