»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Hair Matters
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Hair Matters |
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
|
Once, dark fair hair flowing to the shoulders Now,a broad-brimmed hat to hide her receding hairline Once, the envy of many Now, the target of ridicule Pointed fingers;hushed whispers Smirks on their faces;giggles they tried to stifle She always acted brave when she walked past them Shuddering even as she braced herself Trying hard to mask her swirling emotions, like clothes in a machine If only they knew she had contracted cancer... ... |
||
| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kaile, You've got a very touchy, emotional piece here...a few pointers, if I may: 1st line: Lustrous dark hair (I know you mean beautiful by "fair", but "dark, fair" is a little confusing.) 2nd " once flowed to her shoulders, 3rd " A broad-brimmed hat now hides 4th " the secret from the their stares, (Here, I think it might be better to leave a bit to the reader's imagination.) 5th " Once, her looks the envy of many, 6th " Now a target of ridicule... 7th " Pointed fingers, hushed whispers, 8th " Smirking grins, stifled giggles, 9th " Yet, she held her head up as she passed, 10th " Shuddering while bracing herself, 11th " Attempting to mask the emotion 12th " that swirled 'round inside her, 13th " like clothes spinning in a machine. 14th " If only they could know... 15th " How she had suffered through treatment, 16th " While fighting for her life. (I again feel that you should leave a tiny bit up to the reader, "contracted cancer" is, I feel, stark and glaring, almost to the point of perhaps turning some readers away, as they would not know how to respond. My example is a bit softer, but I think it still gets your point across.) This is just my opinion, and I hope it helps. It is yours to use or not, as you wish.  It is a very good, emotional piece, Kaile. I don't recall if I ever welcomed you...if, not I do so now. Kristine < !signature--> Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-12-2000).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello Kaile: I liked the poem. I thought, though, that you might be able to tighten up a few loose threads here and there to make the reading more concise. You are also comparing "Once [Then]" and "Now" in your first lines but you use "-ing" words for both past and present. Using decisively past and present tense verbs will improve the contrast. "Once, dark fair hair flowing to the shoulders" I know "fair" means beautiful, but I often associate its use with light hair. That is why the first line seemed, at first, to be contradictory. Also I think "... flowed to her shoulders" is better wording. "Now,a broad-brimmed hat to hide her receding hairline" In this line "she wears" is an implied part of the sentence (it must be in order for the sentence to work). With the following change this is no longer necessary in order for your sentense structure to be preserved. "Now, a broad-brimmed hat hides ..." I also immediately think of male pattern baldness when I think of a "receding hairline" (I'm sure Brad thinks of the same thing ... LOL). By the end of the poem I know that her hair is falling out as a result of either her chemotherapy or radiation therapy. I don't know anyone personally and closely enought who have gone through this but if the hair loss is anything like the kind that accompanies radiation poisoning, then I suspect that the hairline does not actually recede. I would think that it would fall out in clumps. Just a detail thing and everybody here knows about my "anal-ity" when it comes to detail. "Once, the envy of many Now, the target of ridicule" Good, concise contrast. "Pointed fingers; hushed whispers; Smirks on their faces;" You may want to reformat these lines a little bit. Also your semi-colon use is incorrect. The proper punctuation here is the comma. Semi-colons are usually used to join two independent clauses when a conjunction is not present. If you are looking for more of a pause after each of the above, I would suggest commas AND line breaks. "giggles they tried to stifle" You may want to compact this by saying, "Barely stifled giggles". I think is says everything just as well but in a more concise manner. "She always acted brave when she walked past them Shuddering even as she braced herself Trying hard to mask her swirling emotions," These are good lines. But "swirling" just doesn't seem like a strong enough word to capture the woman's inner turmoil. "like clothes in a machine" This seemed to me to be a bit of a small comparison. I think this ridicule really hurts the woman. Her emotions are not twisting, they are caught up in a maelstrom, not like the turning of a clothes dryer, but like the turning of a whirlpool or a twister. These things are capable of doing more hurt than merely shrinking your clothes.  "If only they knew she had contracted cancer... ..." If they only knew then what? They would feel guilty for teasing a woman fighting for her life? If she didn't have cancer would it be less offensive to the poor woman? I can't quite put my finger on it but I think the ending was either too abrupt or too direct. Perhaps you would consider either telling us more about this inner turmoil the woman is feeling or leave poem a little more open ended, strong hinting (rather than telling) of the woman's cancer. Allow us draw the conclusions that the teasing and snickering of the friends is made particularly odious by the fact that the woman is fighting for her life. Telling us so directly, I think, actually reduces the impact a little. Do you understand what I mean? Thanks for the read. Jim |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
LOL. I see Kris beat me to the submit button. It seems our takes on the poem agree, though. And Kris reminded me that I may have forgotten to welcome you to Passions. Welcome! |
||
|
Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
It's amazing how rapidly attitudes change when a paradigm shifts -- if they only knew! Very well expressed. Applaud! |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you so much,warmhrt,jbouder and local rebel for liking this poem and spending so much time and effort on this..i'm grateful to know that there are people here who are willing to pay so much attention to my work...") thank you for your forthright comments and interesting insights....i shall take note of them and work hard to make this a better read") actually,i thought i wouuld use the straightforward method--to tell the reader she had contracted cancer so that it would shock him....guess i never think of readers being turned off by this "stark,glaring" statement....Point taken and accepted TQ once again... ciao n take care!!!  |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Actually, Kaile, the reason, in my opinion, the last line doesn't work is the reader already suspects that this is indeed the case. You've already given us enough information and then to just tell us is kind of disappointing. I liked the earlier parts and would have preferred something that took me off guard, surprised me, or even make me think. You've done all the work. Misdirection in poetry is very important. Just curious why the character kept the cancer a secret, though? Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
