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a lone dinghy
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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a lone dinghy |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I saw it The afternoon following a stormy morn A small dinghy bobbing in the gently rolling surf. Unmanned - Demanned, more likely. And my thoughts began to surmise what exactly Had caused her to be out traversing the waves alone. And I pictured a lonely old fisherman Rising before the sun in a small shanty on the beach, Brewing his bitter coffee in a battered metal pot, Bidding goodbye to Mrs. Fisherman, taking care Not to catch the door to the shanty in his net Before having a chance at the fish. He pushes the small boat out to sea, carefully watching The sky for signs of distress, maybe missing that Small, black front just behind the hill. He tosses his net, drags, brings in a small fortune In shining scales. Suddenly, he notices The sky is a little too dark, the air a little too heavy, The shore a little too far... And down he goes. Hello to Captain Nemo, Davey Jones, and Blackbeard... The fish are elated to find one less fisherman, And I lament to find one lone dinghy, Bobbing in the gently rolling surf. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Wendy Flora - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Wendy, I really liked this; full of vivid images, flowing along, until "Suddenly, he notices ...", and on from there. Truly, I don't mean to be picky, but a fisherman always keeps one eye on the weather. Perhaps he might doze off for a bit, and awaken to the feel of the stronger winds or thunder and rain. In the lines before that, the speaker describes the imagined tale with a sense of humanity and concern, but after, "And down he goes", the speaker's voice changes dramatically to sounding a bit matter-of-fact, almost callous. Was this your intention? It's difficult to see the speaker lamenting after reading the three lines before. Perhaps you could try to carry that same voice of humanity through to the end. This is a good piece, but I feel the changes could make it an excellent one. This is just one poet's opinion...trying to help, and yours to take or leave. Nice work, Wendy, Kristine "We of the craft are all crazy..." Lord Byron |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Wendy: Excellent poem here. I almost forgot that the misadventure of the poor fisherman was a fantasy conjured by an empty dinghy. Well done. One comment though (*Jim braces himself for all the "know-it-all" jibes this is bound to bring his way*). Blackbeard didn't go down with his ship. He was shot and stabbed to death at Ocracoke Inlet (20 stab wounds, 5 gunshot wounds) in North Carolina. Granted, his body was thrown overboard but his head was taken to Virginia as proof of his death. I sure am annoying, huh?  Good poem, Wendy. Jim |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I wrote this after seeing a painting of an empty boat bobbing in the ocean... it was really just meant to be my own stream-of-conscience thing (yes, my stream-of-conscience speaks in complete sentences!  ) and I thought I'd post it to see what you all thought. Whatever discrepencies there are, they are still true to my thoughts at the moment of writing. -wen |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim's comment doesn't hold any water because if the body's down there then why can't you meet him? I enjoyed this poem and thought the dinghy image and the title were great. Well written with a strong flow. When I'm talking about strong imagery, this is what I'm talking about. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
What do you mean Jim can't hold his water! I thought that was going to remain our secret! Oh ... my COMMENTS don't hold any water. My mistake. Wendy: You should post a reply in the "What is reality" thread in Philosophy 101 (There, Brad, I gave it a plug; now where is my $5.00?). Seriously, I see what you are saying. They were your thoughts and thoughts aren't governed by historical accuracy. Even so, Brad is right about the strong imagery here. It, by far, stole the show from any minute discrepancies that may have been present. Thanks again for an enjoyable read. Later. The Whiffling JimBouderWocky [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-03-2000).] |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
You guys are a hoot... Thank you very much for the analysis. I did take your comments seriously and I am working more on this piece. (hence the point of posting it in the "Critical Analysis.") I love it when people are fresh and honest. It's a nice change. -wen |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Wonderful poem Wendy. I especially loved the ending...great ending....I'm jealous of the ending. But I still have a couple of suggestions for you to bat around (I don't think I could live with myself if I couldn't find anything I disagreed with in a poem )."And my thoughts began to surmise what exactly Had caused her to be out traversing the waves alone." Consider condensing these two lines into one questioning line, might draw the reader into your "shoes" more quickly, just an idea, ie. "What had caused her to be out traversing the waves alone?" "The sky is a little too dark, the air a little too heavy, The shore a little too far..." Now this may surprise some, for a change I actually like the "..." and thought it suited the poem. Personally though I thought this part could have been expanded on just a tiny bit more but not to the extent where it fills in all the blanks, maybe a brief line or two on the fisherman's thoughts or maybe even personify the dinghy's thoughts for a moment...dunno, just another idea. Works either way. "The fish are elated to find one less fisherman, And I lament to find one lone dinghy, Bobbing in the gently rolling surf." Just thought I'd throw this in again....LOVED the ending! Anyways, thanks for the great read, take care, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-03-2000).] |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
A lovely poem. You have some very humorous lines in this work. Good work! I really enjoyed the read. Thanks for posting. Leon |
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