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Lake Huron
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Lake Huron |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
The boulders huddled in the water like hermits hunched over alone in their silence They have seen all of time pass and noticed that it never passes. They move when no one is looking They move slowly ever so slowly. All the while the water cools their skin as it laps at their sides. The night closed around us like a fist on a flower showing us how inept, how helpless we all were. We all slowly fell asleep that night under the stars, staring staring sitting on the backs of the hermits who knew no sleep nor no time. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Excellent poem with good imagery. "The boulders huddled in the water like hermits hunched over alone in their silence" Great couple of opening lines. "They have seen all of time pass and noticed that it never passes." Thought the double use of "pass/es" took away from the meaning of the line. Consider changing one or maybe eliminate the first one..."They have seen all of time and noticed that it never passes" but then that might take away from the flow. "They move when no one is looking They move slowly ever so slowly." I liked the picture of them slowly eroding or shifting at an unoticable speed. Personally I thought the "ever so slowly" might be better as an analogy or new descrip. instead of a repeat, ie. "They move when no one is looking They move slowly so as to not disturb life." "All the while the water cools their skin as it laps at their sides." Liked the personification of the rocks. "The night closed around us like a fist on a flower showing us how inept, how helpless we all were. We all slowly fell asleep that night under the stars, staring staring sitting on the backs of the hermits who knew no sleep nor no time." This is a really good stanza. Couple of suggestions though, consider chopping out "all" in the fifth line because the word "We" already incoperates all. Also "staring" is repeated on the sixth line...intentional or typo?, if intentional, I thought it detracted from the poem. Anyways, great poem, especially liked the last stanza, thanks and take care, Trevor |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I agree with Trevor this is finely evocated. But I disagree with him on some incidentals. I don't think the first stanza can be bettered. Unlike Trevor, I love the paradoxicality of "They have seen all of time pass and noticed that it never passes" and the repetition of "They move when no one is looking They move slowly ever so slowly." And I think it suggests more than just erosion. And the last two lines on the second stanza round out the image perfectly. On the other hand, the first six lines of the second stanza, well done in themselves, are so completely apart from the first stanza and the last two lines that, for me, they broke the flow, weakened the poem. You'll never get us all to agree on everything, but Trevor and I both think you've got something here to be pleased with, and to polish. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, TED: Actually I do like the paradox of time presented, I just thought it could have been worded better. Also I do think that the idea in "They move when no one is looking They move slowly ever so slowly." is great because not only did it suggest erosion but also that these could be "sneaky" rocks that are animate. But once again I thought Tony might be able to word it better. Also I thought the first six lines of the second stanza were excellent. They added to the mood and put a backdrop to the theme. Just thought I'd throw another two cents into the "kitty"  . Anyways, thanks and take care,Trevor |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i really like this one, particularly the part about a fist on a flower. there are just a couple of places where i feel like the syntax could just a little help. in the first stanza, the similie confuses me. are you talking about hermits or boulders LITERALLY? i can't tell. you mention skin, and knowing that rocks don't have skin, i assumed you went back to the hermits. also, you say the water cools their. even if a rock had skin, would it be warm? i'm confused. i think the excellent imagery of the "they move when no one is looking, etc." is clouded out by this. i also think that who knew no sleep nor no time. should be who knew not sleep nor time. i might be wrong. i know that the second "no" doesn't belong there because it is a double negative. the nor also implies a negative sort of "or". like if you say you like ice cream, and your favorite would have to be "peach OR strawberry", then you wouldn't say "NOR" because that would imply a negative answer. suppose i ask if you like pens or pencils, and you don't like either one. you would say "pencils NOR pens". i'm sure you know all this, just trying to illustrate so that i don't lose myself. the same thing goes with either and neither. but it's a minor error and a great poem. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I wanna throw in my thoughts on the "They have seen all of time pass and noticed that it never passes." paradox. Trevor, I'm afraid that I must be forced to disagree with you here (as much as I'm scared Hulk will come get me *grins*). I think that the repetition of pass actually emphasizes the paradox. It is more obvious (maybe not much, but I believe that it is) that passing and never passing is a contradiction than say, passing and never moving on (or whatever you might replace it with). So, yeah, that's what I've got to say. Looks like everyone else has taken any other criticisms I might've had right out of my mouth, so that's all for me. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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