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JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

0 posted 2012-08-18 07:00 AM

My mother never forgave me
for finding out I was adopted.

When I asked her who my real mother was
she violently slapped my face.

I am in my seventy-third year on earth,
and the hate that slap gave rise to
has never left me.

©June 27, 2012 / Jerry Pat Bolton

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2012-08-18 07:43 AM

What a tremendous burden you have carried with you, Jerry, for all of your life! This hurts and stirs reflections, the poem itself is just kind of a reproduction of that hateful and fateful moment.

Will be back ...

Margherita

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

2 posted 2012-08-18 08:10 AM

Appreciate the understanding here, Margherita.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

ebonygirl
Member Elite

since 2011-07-14

Posts 2000
California U.S.A

3 posted 2012-08-18 02:03 PM

So sorry, JP, so sorry... may your boy child
be healed by the loving gentle hands of friends.
ms. e

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

4 posted 2012-08-18 02:09 PM

Thanks, Ms E., I've come a long way in the healing process, it is the hate that lingers.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

5 posted 2012-08-18 02:38 PM

Hate lingers as long as you can't forgive, dear Jerry. In forgiveness there is freedom from resentment and clinging to the painful event. In a personal question that influenced in a very negative way my life for a long time I have experienced the lightness of my heart after sincerely forgiving.
We have to consider that we live in the Now and that it is unhealthy to be haunted by things happened in the past or by things that we fear for the future. In the present time we have the power to decide to change our attitude. It is not easy, no. But hatred is a massive obstacle to our inner peace and wellbeing. The only possibility to heal from hatred lies in the act of forgiving. Your adoptive mother made a first mistake in hiding the truth from you and the second "mistake" was her violent reaction when you discovered the truth. Many adoptive parents probably made these same mistakes. Why? Out of fear maybe, of not being loved anymore if the truth was known. In the present time there is more attention to this delicate question and there is less drama due to sudden discovery, because the adopted children have the right to know.
I felt the need to express my thoughts because I really hope you will be able to transform hatred in acceptance of what is. Things that happened in the past can't be changed, but you can change your way of looking at them.
Love and peace.
Margherita

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

6 posted 2012-08-18 02:49 PM

Thank you, Margherita, for your kind, indepth words concerning my feeling toward my "mother." I have been down a lot of roads, done a lot of bad things, had bad things done to me. October 2011 I finally found it in myself to forgive those who I never thought I would forgive, and I forgave myself, and that was the hardest part, but it was a need that was there, because forgiving others without forgiving yourself nulls and voids the other feelings of forgiving. That said, I am truly happy for the first time in my life. But in the case of that forgiveness you push as viable to my welfare is a dark, deep hole where no light shines. I will die trying to fill that hole with enough hate that I can no longer see, or feel it. I appreciate you trying to help, but in this case it is not possible.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

7 posted 2012-08-18 03:18 PM

Jerry, my good friend

, It is not possible as long as you say it is.
Lori

Startime1955
Senior Member

since 2012-04-22

Posts 1072
Alberta, Canada

8 posted 2012-08-18 03:26 PM

I know what you mean, my friend...the things my mother did to me and let be done to me had me hating her for a long time...it made for a very dark place...I still become that little girl again if I hear her voice but in forgiving her I was able to forgive the little girl in me...I feel much lighter now...I share your pain...*BIG BIG HUGS*

*may our dreams ever be magical*

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

9 posted 2012-08-18 03:32 PM

Thank you, Lori. I know.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

10 posted 2012-08-18 03:32 PM

I hear you loud and clear, Karen, and I thank you for your input, but . . .

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

11 posted 2012-08-18 05:35 PM

I think I would remember that slap with great joy, Jerry BECAUSE it was brought on by the fact that I was adopted.
Ida

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

12 posted 2012-08-18 05:40 PM

We think different here. Besides, Ida, when you are fourteen years old you think with emotions, not your brain. I still must be in that fourteen year old frame of mind, because even writing about it I feel a flush form on the side of my face where she slapped me.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

Honeybunch
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-29

Posts 7115
South Africa

13 posted 2012-08-19 02:18 AM

Hmm? Ever looked from her side. She was for all intents and purposes your "real" mother. She was there, the other wasn't so perhaps, just perhaps, your question was a slap in the face for her and she just reacted somewhat unwisely.

So sad to carry that hurt for so long regardless of whether she was right or wrong so I hope you will be able to let it go especially now in your new-found happiness. And then, of course, forgiving doesn't mean approving or forgetting.

Helen

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

14 posted 2012-08-19 06:35 AM

You are probably correct, Helen, and it was It who was callous enough to ask her a simple question which to her felt like I had slapped her. Never thought of it that way. Of course I was just thinking of myself. Still, after saying all that she was the adult in the situation. I find it hard to think in terms of me slapping her, I guess I'm just a bad seed.

~*~ If they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~

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