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Open Poetry #47
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may 1968
| Open Poetry #47 |
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may 1968 |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
It was in May 1968, The country was under pressure, The workers suddenly angry fought on the television, The students with the long hair Blocked the streets of the world, Barricades bloomed in circle Under the sun of the demands, Innocent follower of the indiscipline I was 10 years old and healthy look When the primary school teacher went out, I rose on my table tool, And I sang the Marseillaise But little followed my heat The choir of the other pupils Looked at me almost with resentment For me who believed wholeheartedly That the revolution quenches It was my last political gesture I turned myself then to the ethics Towards a more civic introspection Than a stone throwing on a window. |
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| © Copyright 2011 yann rolland - All Rights Reserved | |||
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easy1 Senior Member
since 2010-05-22
Posts 1209Southeastern USA |
Interesting read, and a powerul image of the lone singer for freedom. Yet, after all, armored tanks are driven by human fear, and so good ethics often combat their abuse more effectively than do thrown objects. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Nice...James |
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faithmairee Senior Member
since 2011-01-05
Posts 1441Poe Haven, USA |
i found this poem to be interesying and profound...i really enjoyed it There must be a poem in here somewhere. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Very nice indeed and an understandable turn to the left. I appreciated this poem very much. Eric oxymoron....Rap Music |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
If only more would follow such an evolution, which signed your life. But sadly, as we can see these days, peaceful revolution has little chance to "move" the "power". Violence causes chain reactions. Excellent work, dear Yann. Love, Margherita |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks Easy 1 for the accurate comment, I prefer non violence to anything but peoples can't bear anything and sometimes there are consequences. yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks James |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks faithmairee for the read and nice comment...Appreciate. yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks a lot Ethome, words are precious. yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks margherita for the appreciated comment, I hope Italy could manage with all the close events, there are a lot of troubles in the world now, I hope we could manage. yann |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Marchons, marchons, but to ethics - good move. I agree totally. I love the way you think about so many things, Yann. Owl [This message has been edited by OwlSA (02-25-2011 03:19 PM).] |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Hello, Yann, Thanks for the poem. Your poems are getting better and better. I wish my French even approached your English. Some comments, perhaps helpful. In stanza 1, Line 3, you might consider commas before and after “suddenly angry.” English, being without gender indications in the articles for nouns, tends to make more sparing use of the article in general. So in line 4 of stanza 1, the use of the article would be considered unnecessary. The idiom is “on television.” “On the television,” in this context, can give a different image to many readers, that is the picture of a group of literal, physical workers having a fist-fight while perched on top of a television set. It could get crowded there. I saw the report “on television.” I put the vase of roses “on the television.” The first example speaks of television as the medium; the second speaks of a particular television set upon which the speaker has placed the guilty roses. In stanza 2, it would be “The students with long hair....” “The students with the long hair” would quite possibly raise the question, “And whose long hair was it?” Or “What were they going to do with the long hair,” which you imply was in the possession of the students, and not a feature of their appearance or a fashion statement. In terms of the English language, “in circle” would need and “a,” as in “in a circle.” In terms of the technique, you might consider whether the phrase is needed at all. Why not, simply, Barricades bloomed Under the sun of the demands[.] You night consider “their” demands instead of “the demands.” The more specific you can be in these situations, often, the better. “The indiscipline” sounds like a literal translation, French to English, rather than something like “disorder” or “riots.” There may be other words that could work better, of course, of course. In line 2 of stanza 3, you use the verb “to look” in the present tense while the rest of the sentence is in the past tense. Perhaps you were thinking of the phrase, “looked healthy?” “Looking healthy” is a vague concept in English; it gives the impression of the aura somebody has about them. We can talk about “a healthy glow,” and folks will understand that a person gives the impression of being healthy. If I understand what you’re talking about here, that isn’t quite the concept you’re trying to get across, not a quality of the spirit, but something more physical. Might you consider “looked sturdy” or some such, with a more solidly physical sense to it? We don’t have “table tools” specifically here. We have power tools, of course, but I think you’re probably looking for ‘table top.” Rising on one’s table tool offers unimaginable possibilities to the English speaking psyche. You might climb to your table top as well. “[M]y heat” might work as “my passion,” but I don’t think so, not very well. I don’t think it quite works, though; your original is better, but not, to my ear, quite right either. I have no suggestion. A comma after “me,” in line 4 of stanza 4 might be helpful. Do you want “revolution” in stanza 5, line 2 to have the article or not? Without the article, the word means revolution in general, the principle of revolution, the word that would in French require the article. With the article, in English, as you put it here, it suggests that there is a specific revolution that quenches something or another. “Quenches” actually seems to work well here. Is it a literal translation of the French idiom? In your last line, the English idiom is “to throw a stone through a window.” Prepositions are murderous: “Than throwing a stone trough a window” would probably work better. For my personal taste, I’d like you to try to break this up into sentences rather than write it as a single sentence. I find it more confusing as a single sentence, though I confess, it does work that way. Simply, for my taste, it doesn’t work as well as it might. If you experiment, you may well find out how wrong I am about this. Despite the critique, I think it’s a very good poem, and I think that you might try sending it around to a journal or two and see what reactions you get. It should go with a couple of others, of course. All my best, and all my regards. Bob Kaven |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
thanks Bob for the advises and helpful words,I read them with high interest, this is helpful, I will take some of them if correction is not too late for editing... Thanks for the comment and the helpful work. I understood a lot of them. yes to quench has a similar sense in french. regards yann |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Do you know the American poet, John Ashberry? He has a good reputation over here, and has won the Pulitzer. Well worth reading. I mention him because part of his revision process might be of interest to you. He is supposed to write the poems, then translate them into French, then translate them back. He is supposed to do this a number of times, and he's made this work very well for his English poems. I don't know if he has poems in any other languages. I wonder if this might be something that might interest you in terms of your writings in French. Would it have any effect on them? Would it be an interesting experiment? Or simply boring? Your English poetry is good enough for you to do that now. |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hi Bob, thanks a lot, thanks a lot for mentionning John Ashburry, I confess I don't know him...As you describe his experiments I am sure it would be interesting to discover his poetry and experiment such readings, could you mention some book he wrote or any tip to approach his poetry ? thanks for the compliment about my poems, I know I have a lot to learn about american language and poetry...Have a nice day yann |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=291 The Library of America is starting to print his collected poems. This is the first time they've every published a living poet. If you check out the web site, they'll mention some of his individual books. You might sense the connection with French literature right oiff the bat when you see the title of one of his books, "The Tennis Court Oath." He's an astonishing if difficult writer. I hope you can find some of his books, but you should be able to find some of his individual poems for free at the Poetry Magazine or The Poetry Foundation web sites. I think you might enjoy one of his poems called "Rivers," which is about French Rivers. Enjoy! |
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