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A woman grows tired
| Open Poetry #47 |
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A woman grows tired |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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A woman grows tired Far away, a cloudy canopy Sits precariously on the bluff Lush and full of life she beckons you As she reaches down to where you are You plow through the matted wilderness And cut away the branches and ruts So you could rest your head against her Until night falls and you leave for home -Juju -"So you found a girl Who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos [This message has been edited by Juju (07-27-2011 11:01 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2011 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
. Good Juju Reads like a poem in translation Again good John . |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
I like this, it has a very unique quality to it. Good job  Lori |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Juju, I have to say I REALLY like this one. It has a simplicity and even a peacefulness to it that makes it a pleasure to read. No big story or plot but just a simple description of a search for a little peace high above the hectic would in which we live....at least that's how I read it. It's a poem that can touch... |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
. Wer seines Lebens viele Widersinne She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life, and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth— it’s she who drives the loudmouths from the hall and clears it for a different celebration where the one guest is you. In the softness of evening it’s you she receives. You are the partner of her loneliness, the unspeaking center of her monologues. With each disclosure you encompass more and she stretches beyond what limits her, to hold you. Rainer Maria Rilke . |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
I just felt the need of the woman to simply rest her head. ~ Money can't buy happiness, but broke can't buy anything. ~ |
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ebonygirl Member Elite
since 2011-07-14
Posts 2000California U.S.A |
Pretty poem. ebonygirl |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
"Until night falls and you leave for home" /sigh I can see why one might grow tired of this... Very well written, and telling, Juju. Michael |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Juju, I agree with all the nice stuff folks have said. If you're interested in constructive feedback as well, here's my attempt: Because you have not distinguished the first lines from the rest of the poem, you have made it impossible to understand what your intention is. If it is a title, it should be punctuated and capitalized as such. The fact that it is only one line suggests that it is, and puts the line into a special relationship with the rest of the text, a framework within which the rest of the text should be read. If it is not a title, but only a first line, convention would suggest that this be indicated by calling the poem "Untitled" or by putting the first line in the set off title position in quotation marks, then repeating the first line without quotation marks in the first line position. This helps distinguish ambiguity from confusion. If you intend to center justify the lines, it's helpful to have some sort of reasoning behind that decision. In many traditional poems that appear center justified, for example, the logic is to form some sort of design, as in Herbert, who wrote poems in the shape of an altar or wings. Another reason sometimes used is justify lines that rhymed or lines with the same number of syllables to the same beginning point. Simply wanting to do so should be fine as well, but seems somewhat random and doesn't give the writer the chances to take advantage of her choice the way some of these other approaches do. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, but when asked the question How does your choice help the poem? — as I've been asked from time to time about similar choices I've made — I've been left with few answers about the good my choices did the poem. My answers were all about myself. "A cloudy canopy" is unclear. It may be some sort of cloud cover. It may be the cover of a canopy bed. I spend time wondering rather than actually seeing the image. I think you mean a cloud in the distance, but clouds aren't really solid enough to sit "precariously." Being "on the bluff" focuses the image somewhat: It's an image of a distant cloud over a bluff. "Cloudy canopy" comes from the notion of "a cloud canopy" that one hears about in weather reports and in flying. The association goes from the tired woman to the bed to the canopy over the bed. This is an excellent chain of associations, but some piece of it needs to taken away to keep from mixing metaphors and confusing the reader. The poem becomes a bit uncertain about whom it is addressing, the reader or the man. I would suggest that you might have the best of both worlds if you rephrased Lush and full of life she beckons you to read She beckons, lush and full of life as she reaches [out] My reason for suggesting "out" rather than "down to where you are" is that "down to where you are" is confusing. Remember, the bluff is "far away?" Now it isn't, there is a two person space, and the woman is above and the man is below. Something has happened that doesn't seem to have much of a physical orientation in space. You might consider cutting "the" from the phrase "the matted wilderness." It seems unneeded. I am also unclear as to how one might go about cutting away ruts. You might also consider substituting "Till" for "Until" in the final line. The changes I'm suggesting may seem like a lot to you; to me they seem to be only a few, and the poem is one that I admire, otherwise I wouldn't bother you with such things. Of course, if you find any of these suggestions bothersome, you should happily and without qualm throw the whole set of them into the trash. My intention is to help you improve your skills, not to upset you. If I've been unclear and you're curious about anything I've said, please feel free to ask and I'll do my best to explain myself. That doesn't mean that I intend to convince you of my rightness about anything. It's your poem and it's your self you need to satisfy. But if you find anything worth following up on, I'll do my best. Sincerely, Bob Kaven A woman grows tired Far away, a cloudy canopy Sits precariously on the bluff Lush and full of life she beckons you As she reaches down to where you are You plow through the matted wilderness And cut away the branches and ruts So you could rest your head against her Until night falls and you leave for home |
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