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Teen Poetry #9
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untitled attemptive rhyme
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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untitled attemptive rhyme |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
it is not finished but im stuck. (found my password) Dear Sir Leo, my night hero my admiration with chestnut eyes. If triumph be in kingly battle with you is where my heart will lie. My swirling hair, all fancy curls in rivulets of brown and black. For I’m a quintessential fair princess who yearns for her kingdom back. Do you recall our timeless love? Thy were my esoteric friend. If not, thy love is fading Once more we must meet before I see my end. For the king hath taken me prisoner forcing me atop the stairs made of stones. Confining me in shadowy darkness with intentions of stealing my future throne. shadows enclose around me preparing for the action. Something greater is occurring they are just mere distraction. My bones are weak My head is tired I need your help your the one I've admired. Distorted thoughts overflow my head to this despair I’m forced to succumb my strength is dwindling to its end here I lie waiting for you to come. Thanks turtle :] [This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 01:37 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Hello! Hello! I really really like this!!! Is this what Turtle had you working on in CA?? "library" |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
yep this is it. thank you gothic cherry. uh if you dont mind me asking whats "library".. any title suggestions? haha |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I think this is incredible; I love how you wrote with amazing descriptions. "My swirling hair, all fancy curls in rivulets of brown and black." I wanted to reply with a "balance" of positive and negative like we chatted about earlier, but I can't see anything negative about this, but if I spot something later, I'll let you know. Oh, and I'm not good with titles but you could simply title it "Dear Sir Leo", Idk, I can't think of anything else. No, I'm not conceited, 2sexy doesn't mean "too sexy", it means something else! |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
haha ok freeand2sexy. thanks :] |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
Library means that I saved this to my library on my PiP account to read later. I'm not good at titles either. Lol.... |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: What are you stuck on? . |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
im not sure if it should continue or end there. i was thinking of adding a few stanzas towards the end and middle |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I think you should edit or re-write what you’ve got. Concentrate on quality not quantity, if you’re going to tell a story you need a start middle and end but most importantly you need a point.  [This message has been edited by Grinch (03-16-2009 08:15 PM).] |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
holy crap i love this!! but i wanted the girl to be young but i absoutely love it. so what do you think i should re-write? the whole thing? (i really dont mind i will, haha). what points do you think needs the most editing? and i totally get the re-write. it helps to see the fixes. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I’d put it to one side and revisit it in a couple of months. Or. I’d do what I did, instead of trying to tell a big story I went for a cameo of a big story starting with an idea of where I wanted to get to. Give it a go yourself - I’ve deleted my attempt - try to re-write it. |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
This was by far your best yet: I would simply add or take out a few words here and there for rythym's sake. An example: "Dear Sir Leo, my night hero my admiration with chestnut eyes. If triumph be in kingly battle with you is where my heart will lie. My swirling hair, all fancy curls in rivulets of brown and black. For I’m a quintessential fair princess who yearns for her kingdom back. Do you recall our timeless love? Thou wast my esoteric friend. If thy love be not fading Once more we must meet before I see my end. For the king hath taken me prisoner forcing me atop stairs made of stones. Confining me in shadowy darkness with intentions of stealing my future throne. shadows are enclosing preparing for the action. Something greater is occurring these are just mere distraction. My bones are weak My head is tired I need your help your the one I've admired. Distorted thoughts overflow my head to this despair I’m forced to succumb my strength is dwindling to its end While here I lie waiting for you to come." Going in my library. Cierra |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Wow I really really like this. I love a good fairytale. "Library"-Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
o god no please dont delete that. it was very nice. but here is my try. Do you recall our timeless love? Thou was my teen age admiration. with you near my cheeks turned scarlet always teasing me with secretive flirtation Our days grew shorter as time passed. years moved on leaving our love behind i have not forgoton of our beginning days you and my heart shall always be entertwined sucky i know. but ill work on it and post additional ones tomorrow. thank you for helping me :] [This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 12:37 PM).] |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
hey couldnt really think more for those stanzas. [This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 07:30 PM).] |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Can you hum? Of course you can, everyone can hum, try humming the words in the first line of your new poem: Do you recall our timeless love? Hum hum hum hum hum hum hum hum 8 hums That’s eight syllables. Now try my variation of one of your verses: My swirling hair, all fancy curls in rivulets of brown and black. a quintessential fair princess who yearns to earn her kingdom back. 8 hums in each line - I make that four eight syllable lines. Why is the number of syllables important? It creates the rhythm or tune of the poem making it flow a lot better and also making it easier and more pleasing to read. It’s also the first step towards writing metrical poetry - yes, that’s right, that darn meter everyone keeps waffling on about. Humming can also help if you are having a problem learning meter. Just mark down the short and long hums - the short ones are unstressed and the long ones are stressed. Or alternatively you can do what I do - ignore the meter and just get the tune sounding about right. Hope that helped |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
haha yeah. turtle is teaching me meter. so i understand (not really) that the syabelles should match |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: I’ll let you into a little secret, they don’t need to match to write good poems. Learning meter is useful but not essential when it comes to writing poetry, in fact I can make a pretty good argument that it’s not even useful and possibly decidedly harmful. There are lots of forms of poetry that don’t use standard metrical measure and even those that do can be written without learning what a spondee or an iamb is. All you need to do is hum. If the tune sounds right it probably is right. |
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nina1522 Member
since 2009-02-14
Posts 189 |
Thank you moonbeam |
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