»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #42
»
sometimes
| Open Poetry #42 |
|
sometimes |
|
|
poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india 
|
sometimes The stubborn sunshine clings to my neck. But, sometimes I have to step Into silhouette and darkness, dense. Sunshine plays between my hairs, It steals my glasses to treasure grove, It s limbs binds to a fog of Blinding blaze, call it the warmth of love. Call it a house, a true home But let me go, for sometimes We have to lurk behind the lights We have to go alone. |
||
| © Copyright 2008 poddar kushal - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Sometimes we have to go alone....so true Poddarku, well written, enjoyed... John |
||
|
TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A life philosophy was told in a beautiful poem. Very good, my dear friend. |
||
|
Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: Masterful write, dear Poddar!! And I agree fully, sometimes we need to be on our own ... dwell in silence and even in shadows to know then once again the ecstasy of stepping into the light and delight in it. I will add this to my library. love Margherita  |
||
|
Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I believe that I do understand your words, poddarku. Yes, "Sometimes" I need a time-out as well. To ground myself and recuperate in the shadows cast by light that can be blinding, busy, and noisy.  EA |
||
|
passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I may not be here much replying but I do love your work I'm a fan |
||
|
Kristabell Senior Member
since 2003-11-29
Posts 678Portland, OR |
Nice write. It has me thinking... K |
||
|
simon Member
since 2008-01-14
Posts 440London, England |
very much enjoyed (as usual)... |
||
|
poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
thank you all. |
||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
podarku Sometimes, I, too, just want the gray or the dark. I really like this poem. Alison |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
enjoying your work, pod. Your style is unique and intriguing. |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Poddarku, You have a very good ear for the ending here. You've sold the ending short however with some of the early language in the poem. "[S]tubborn sunshine" is a pretty decent use of the adjective, a distinctive and interesting one even, but you sell it short by having it "cling to my neck." You might be able to get away with the verb if you weren't talking about your neck in the end. The rest of the sentence needs some brushing up to fit with the really nice initial pairing "stubborn sunshine." You need to either keep up the crackle, which would be nice, or cut it out, which is possible but not so nice and not so worthy of the talent here. "But, sometimes I have to step". . . with this line you've given yourself a really terrific set-up to do some very special stuff. You could be stepping anywhere, Into the middle of a blizzard Into the mystery of my mother's life Into a music store filled with tubas. Your choice is interesting, "Into silhouette and darkness, dense." Not bad, but unfortunately for a line that depends on elements of the visual, extremely hard to visualize. If you want to keep the rest of us as bound up in the poem as I think you do—and no criticism meant to those who've already praised this poem, I simply think poddarku is justifiably ambitious—you might consider how to make this a more visually arresting line. Give us something that we can use as an image more concrete than silhouette. If you can use your imagination to feel your way further into the picture you're already offering us and come up with more details, you have as a bonus, a more fully realized notion of the poem itself as a whole and the effects you're trying to achieve with it., and it will serve to define the relationship between those images and the ones that you have following, where you have managed, somehow to emerge from the darkness. Now poddarku, I believe that darkness was real, and suddenly you're in a real hurry to get away from it and back to the happy stuff. The construction of "Sunshine plays between my hairs," seems a touch awkward to me. "Among" might help a little, but frankly, not as much as I'd want. "It steals my glasses to treasure grove," makes no prose sense; I don't literally understand what you mean. I suspect you're trying to go all poetic on us. It's better to make sure that you have the prose english meaning absolutely clear first; then if you want to monkey around with it, whatever the poetic stuff is you want to try out, make sure that it's at least as clear as the clear prose meaning and only then adds some additional linguistic pleasures. Those are my personal values. You'd be personally justified in telling me to take a long walk off a short pier for telling you, but they're worth thinking about afterward. The business with "call it the warmth of love. Call it a house, a true home..." is simply wonderful. You're taking the reader by the lapels and moving him around the way you need to with that progression. You can't see me standing up and cheering on my desk chair. You can't see me jumping up and down, whistling and waving, but I am. The things on wheels, so I really need to be more careful. It's a very nice piece of work on your part. If you can get the early part cleaned up, get the images more defined, more concrete, and get the earlier reference to your flirtation with darkness sharpened up a bit, then the last three lines should have an even more solid pop and punch to them. Go get 'em poddarku: But let me go, for sometimes We have to lurk behind the lights We have to go alone. |
||
|
Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed the Read..  ARCTIC WIND |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
