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fatigue, my friend
| Open Poetry #42 |
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fatigue, my friend |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india 
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Fatigue, my friend! Fatigue is a friend I owe my life. Closed mind sometimes likes to take a stride With its hand held in hand, amid trees. Fatigue is used to sit on cold benches. Ambitious sun working in shadows… Talkative we are not, dust settles On the spread of pasture of silence. At last fatigue coughs to end a span While I return to a waiting day I can see fatigue is petering Still without any thing to say… clever talks delay friendship! |
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| © Copyright 2008 poddar kushal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LadyTom Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 353LA, CA |
Oh, my dear friend. I am sure that my name is not Fatigue. But fatigue is in need to be recharged to change into a cell to power you  Love the read, my dear friend. The Tomtoo Exercise |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
It can wear you down like that, that's for sure.... |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: Beautiful and wise too, dear Ku! Our mind tells us when we need to just sit and make silence. We are indeed invited to "shut down" and to just breathe and be. You had something significant to say then, see! I'm always touched by your art. Love, Margherita |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear poddarku, Short is good. The mood is meditative, slow, considerate. Better all the time here. You are still fighting the war of abstractions. "Closed mind sometimes likes to take a stride With its hand held in hand, among trees." The second line of this is wonderful, wonderful with its nicely unfolding three syllable feet; with its pair of hands and with its trees, this is a line that can be felt and seen. Imagine what might have happened if you'd have experimented with the various trees that your mind loves most. Perhaps you would have stuck with "trees," perhaps you would have found something else of interest with even more specificity. The first line, however, doesn't offer me for me, for this reader, though perhaps other readers are more than happy with it. I have never seen a closed mind, though God knows I've had them and experienced their effects. I suspect what you actually have here is something like "[something something something] likes to take a stride With its hand held in hand, among trees." and the "Closed mind sometimes" is functioning as a place holder for you until you can come up with something more visual. Poems have a lot in common with movies, in a way. You need to have something going on all the time and it's best if that thing is visual, because people these days are pretty visual creatures. Any length of darkness on the screen makes a reader fidget. If it's a tv screen, you'll change the channel or shut the thing off. Sometimes you'll be willing to sit still if there's a very obvious sound bridge going on and you can confidently expect something visual to be showing up in the next few seconds. People will shut philosophy books because they're too abstract. They have trouble with math for the same reason. Make your abstractions with clear pictures if you must make abstractions at all in a poem. You're trying to solve the same problem with the word "fatigue." How does a poet make fatigue into a picture or some sort of physical experience in a poem rather than simply leave it as an abstraction. "Ambitious sun working in shadows…" Here you have a similar problem. I want you to know that I love "ambitious," by the way, as a modifier for "sun;" That's simply a lovely piece of business, and if you haven't spent any time chuckling about it to yourself, then you really should. The line is still somewhat abstract. My suggestion is still somewhat abstract, but there's something about Ambitious sun erasing the shadows that makes the line more active. Constructing. The sun ambitiously erecting the shadows. There are many possibilities that undermine the passivity of the line. The phrase "of silence" is not quite clear. You could mean "in silence." You could be talking about the end of the line below and mean "a span of silence;" that's a phrase that would find a place to fit in in this section of the poem. You need to bring some clarity as well to the end of this good poem. A thought: Dust settles on the spread of pasture; Talkative we are not. At last a cough Of fatigue ends our span of silence, While I return to the waiting day And feel the fatigue is draining, Though still without a thing to say… Not a good thought or a right thought or your thought, but a thought. I don't know how helpful, but it's what I can offer for right now. Good luck with this, it's fine work and you're continually improving every time I see more of your stuff. Best from here, BOB K. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
A most interesting perspective; enjoyed miscellanea |
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