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| Open Poetry #42 |
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Unknown |
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ILoveTheRain Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 157GA 
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Unknown (My version) Scratching through these walls Trying to get through To the other side of this hell Trying to find the truth The voices are calling out Telling me not to look For the truth behind these walls Might be a dangerous crook He takes away your soul Making it non-existent He makes you feel unworthy Of the past, and now present He takes away your immunity Giving you great pain Taking away the sunny days Making it always rain The identity of this man Is forever unknown Haunting my mind every moment Even if I am not alone Unknown (effjayel's version) I hear the voices call But I’m afraid to look For I fear behind these walls May be a dangerous crook Who lies in wait my soul to take And make it non existent Making me unworthy of… The future, past & present… Removing my immunity Infecting me with pain Taking away the sunny days And leaving only rain The identity of this man Shall forever be unknown And haunt my mind until the end of time Even when I am grown I like his more  I told you eff, I look up to your writing. It is so beautiful.[This message has been edited by ILoveTheRain (03-07-2008 12:19 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Jessica - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LadyTom Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 353LA, CA |
Good. sad but good. |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
ILoveTheRain, This is not too bad. Both versions would be better with Standard English Language punctuation. I’d avoid starting each line with a cap. Bobby |
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ILoveTheRain Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 157GA |
Thank you for the advice. And thank you for the comments! |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Jess, I keep telling you not to put yourself down. You are doing real well & the improvement since you first started posting is testament to that. As for the better of the 2 versions, I'm on the fence on that. As it was your words that I modified I have difficulty in viewing my take on it from an objective standpoint. I understand what Bobby says, however, uncapped starts to verses make me uncomfortable, it's just a personal thing, what works for one may not work for everyone. As I have said to you before, it is one of the reasons (for me anyway) to post on here to get some feed back. That being said, as much as I appreciate & value that FB, as long as I am happy with the finished article I can live with the comments. I guess what I'm saying is just be true to yourself. If you decapped your poem, would it still sit well with you? Bobby, no offence aimed at you in this BTW, I do so appreciate your words on my own posts. Finally Jess, I am touched you look up to me. I also look up to the many fine posters on these pages (including Bobby but don't tell him I said that !) I would visit this site just as often to read the fine work here even if I never posted another piece. Take care .. John ( BTW, I think I like eff better !)  |
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ILoveTheRain Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 157GA |
Awww. Thank you!! I know I shouldn't put myself down, and everyone tells me that since I apparently do it all the time. I don't realize it though, haha. I agree there are many more awesome poets on this site. I love to come here and read everyone's poetry. Thank you so much for the kind comments! |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
well well. both the versions are good. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Nice...James |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Hang in there, Rain. You'll learn a lot here and get better every day. Ida |
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LindsayP Member Elite
since 2007-07-28
Posts 3410Australia, Victoria |
Dear Jess I really enjoyed your poem even tho' a little sad but try and look on the bright side of things and don't dwell on the bad. good luck to you and a big warm hug. Lindsay |
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