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Teen Poetry #8
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Drawing Me (Edit)
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Drawing Me (Edit) |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513
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I watch as your pencil moves lightly over the page So much talent welled inside you It’s no wonder you feel caged When they tell you what to draw Exactly how a masterpiece looks And your forlorn eyes are screaming "Tell me why I’m told what to make Tell me why you tell me how to create A work of art I just wanna draw what’s in my heart What’s in my heart..." And I wonder, What if I was in your heart? Could you capture so perfectly The expression of my eyes as I smile Would you talk to me all the while And say the things I wish you say Could I tell you,without a word, How to take my breath away And we could just forget the world I watch as your pencil moves lightly over the page You notice and look up, watch as I blush and smile I’m startled out of my reverie I see the gleam in your eyes and I know Today You’re drawing me. [This message has been edited by pen&paper (06-29-2007 10:29 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jezzika Member
since 2005-01-05
Posts 154work |
This was really good... I really liked the ending because the way you put it..it like ended the poem without being an obvious ending.. if that makes sense??? It was great!  One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Ok in the first stanza I don't understand why you feel that he is caged. I mean, is it just because you watch his pencil move lightly over the page, and there is so much talent welled inside him? But why would he feel caged because of that? Did you just used the word "caged" because it rhymes? I also don't understand the repition of "What's in my heart" in the second stanza. LOL. I think you guys need to use metaphors and similies. Also find words that blend nicely with your piece, just don't use word because it sounds nice or fancy. It has to blend or it wont work or flow. It really sets of the mood of the poem. Another thing I want you to know is try not to use the same old words. I mean it's a love poem... I think. Make it feel that way. I liked the last stanza. It was a nice finish. Good work. Oh one more thing, please try your best not to be cliche. You don't want to use any cliche words or phrases in your poems, for example "my breath away". You always want to be ORIGINAL. Look at things from different angles, don't just write stuff down, but try to write in ways nobody has written before. I mean I say stuff like "I think out of the box, even when I'm in a circle with three angles". Now that makes no sense, but that's the point. It's orignal, fresh, and new, and fun to look at. It makes you think, and that's what you want your reader to do... think! Your poem will be better appreciated that way, trust me. So every word and line you put into your poem think about it. Think of ways to say the same thing, but in ways NOBODY HAS HEARD/READ BEFORE. This is for everybody too, not just "pen&paper". I mean with a name like that I expect to be impressed, and I'm sure you'll get to that point soon enough. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
I really liked it. It was just such an "awwwwwww" moment. SOmething that people wish for themselves. -Red If love were a picture that painting would never be finished. |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
Gifted: Thanks for the constructive criticism. Here's my reply. You said: "Ok in the first stanza I don't understand why you feel that he is caged. I mean, is it just because you watch his pencil move lightly over the page, and there is so much talent welled inside him? But why would he feel caged because of that? Did you just use the word "caged" because it rhymes? I also don't understand the repition of "What's in my heart" in the second stanza." I say: As to my use of the word "caged": I did NOT just use this particular word because it rhymes. That isn't my style. The repition of "what's in my heart" was used to provide a lead into the second stanza and also mainly just b/c it felt RIGHT. I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling? You said: "I think you guys need to use metaphors and similes. Also find words that blend nicely with your piece, just don't use word because it sounds nice or fancy. It has to blend or it wont work or flow. It really sets of the mood of the poem. Another thing I want you to know is try not to use the same old words. I mean it's a love poem... I think. Make it feel that way." I say: If i don't use meataphors, similes, personification, hyperboles, etc. it's because It doesn't feel RIGHT. I write because I need to. Never, or rarely at least for an audiance. And I post because I try to write so other teens my age can relate to something. It's hard to find things in today's world to relate to. You said: "Oh one more thing, please try your best not to be cliché. You don't want to use any cliché words or phrases in your poems, for example "my breath away". You always want to be ORIGINAL. Look at things from different angles, don't just write stuff down, but try to write in ways nobody has written before. I mean I say stuff like "I think out of the box, even when I'm in a circle with three angles". Now that makes no sense, but that's the point. It's original, fresh, and new, and fun to look at. It makes you think, and that's what you want your reader to do... think! Your poem will be better appreciated that way, trust me. So every word and line you put into your poem think about it. Think of ways to say the same thing, but in ways NOBODY HAS HEARD/READ BEFORE. This is for everybody too, not just "pen&paper". I mean with a name like that I expect to be impressed, and I'm sure you'll get to that point soon enough." I say: When I write I don't think along the lines of "How well is it written?". I think more like "Will other teens be able to relate?".I write the way I do because the words I write come from my HEART. Much better than my head, i think. And if it's not "oringinal, fresh, and new and fun to look at", I apologize. Perhaps, I wasn't feeling oringinal, fresh, and new, and fun to look at" at the time. As for my "name" pen&paper is the title of a poem I once wrote. The poem explains it all. I'm not quite sure if I ever posted it though... Also, I apologize if I seem rude, but your reply makes it sound as though I should better my writing as if to make it into a career or turn it in for a grade. As I've already expressed, that isn't why I write. And there are times when I don't want me readers to think. i want them to RELATE. I'm sure you're familiar with that feeling also? Thanks for the comment. Pen Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things! |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Ok Pen, I understand what you are saying and where you're coming from. I like the fact that you are writing poems that teens can relate to, it's very nice. There's nothing wrong with them relating to your poems, but that doesn't mean that it can't be interesting to read, or make them think. Now, you say that you want them to relate to it, but you also want them to think about what you said. Now if everything you say is just "plain" then there will be nothing to think about because it's right infront of their face. However, I think that's the point of your writing. I'm just saying that it would stimulate their minds more if you do think of your audience. When you write poetry, you are ALWAYS supposed to think of your audience. There is an exception to personal ones that you keep in a journal, but poems like this that you want to post on a forum should have some thought put into it. What I don't understand is how could you want teens to relate to what your saying, if you don't think about them? I mean teens are your audience and main focus when writing poetry it seems. So you definitely want to think of your audience, because if the audience(teens) doesn't like it, then who will? I remember you saying that you write from your heart and not your head. That's great, but it doesn't mean that you should just post it the way your heart gave it to you. It needs to be edited and fixed up, because before it becomes a poem, all that will be on the page are "thoughts and feelings" that's it. I'm sorry if this statement offends you but the way that you are talking/writing, it doesn't seem that you want to become a better poet. The critique I gave might have seemed to be for a grade or if you were making poetry career choice, but the truth is, is that it applies to ALL POETS. You shouldn't write your best just for a grade or because it's your career, but instead because YOU LOVE DOING IT! Now until you take this advice into consideration, all you will be doing is writing down your feelings and thoughts in the form of a poem, but it wont be that great... or even a poem for that matter. It's cute now that you're a teen, but as you grow older the response to your poems will not be the same. It would be odd to see somebody writing poetry since they were a teen and to see that they use so little poetic devices. However, I don't think you're worryin about that because you are not making it a carrer as it seems. One more thing... it doesn't seem like you're writing poetry because you love it, because if you did you would want to get better. Not give excuses as to why you write the way you do. Well I appreciate you replying back to me. Thanks, and I hope you continue to progress as a poet. Gifted Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
You know I've been thinking, and you're right. Perhaps I don't want to better my writing. I'm alright with amateur for a while. After all I'm only 14. I've got time on my side. Apperciate you comment. Pen |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Ok, so you say that you are only 14, but that is not an excuse. It just disappoints to see that you don't want to improve as a writer. It shows that you don't really love what you do, because if you did, you'd want to continue to improve. However, I can not force you to comply with my advice. I can only hope that you progress as a poet, but right about now your seeming to appear as a "forced poet". Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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BrittanyJ Member
since 2007-06-03
Posts 461Come find me? |
Gifted, no offense, but if she doesn't want your advice, don't force it. I thought it was a good poem, although it was a little forced. That's ok. You don't have to become a better wrtier by listening to critisism. Sometimes its best just to keep writting, and that's what makes you better. Nice write There is only so much blood i can bleed for you, and continue to live. |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Actually BrittanyJ, listening to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, and writing more helps you become a better poet. I don't want to force nothing on her, all I can do is offer advice, it's up to her to take the advice or not. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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Jezzika Member
since 2005-01-05
Posts 154work |
wowza... Gifted I really liked the poem and she obviously likes it how it is.... as do i... hmmmm One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Gifted you can stop posting on this particular poem, your right all you can do is give advice, you did it was good constructive crittique but she doesn't want it. If you feel she won't become a better writer because she won't take crittique , then mabye she won't but if she is happy with that then its alright. I did like the ending it was not expected. Gifted could you crittique some of my work though , i would be interested in crittique and improving. I have work I have posted though not much recent stuff but I am transitioning from living for a year in italy to going to england for camp then home again and its chaotic. I don't really have a computer to write and post my work very often so I probaly won't be posting a alot in the next couple days. Now I;m in geneva so i have time. But I will try to work some of my stuff and post it. sry its long and on your thread pen. keep writing! |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
Ok rhia_5779, I'll critique some of your poems as long as I can find them. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wow what has happend here I was only gone 2 weeks and everything is so different... ahh well what can you do. liked this pen. not one of my favs from you but good. hunnie. ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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surf_painter Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434Canada |
i thought it was a lovely poem and i completely understood why you used caged and why you said what's in my heart twice i guess gifted just has a different way of looking at your poem and that is their opinion i think you should do what you think is right for your poems no matter what and follow your instincts |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
surf_painter, you officially rock |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
lol, i love this debate, why did it end so soon? I'd like to see gifted's work as well, if he/she (don't care) really knows what they r talking about. -J |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
i have never seen such long posts in here in my short time here. wowza (who ever said that) is right. poor pen, such disscution from one little poem. -Red "I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
*sigh* i know, right? |
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surf_painter Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434Canada |
well thank you pen |
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pencil&paper Member
since 2006-09-09
Posts 76asleep somewhere in my head |
personally i liked the poem probably not my fav but it was good and it was really sweet and totally worthy of an "awwwww" i think that pen and gifted obviously have two different perspectives and opinions of this poem and that gifted would have written this poem differently but pen wrote it this way and she obviously likes it the way it is when you write you can never make it perfect so that everyone on likes it so while some people think it needs improvement others think its fine just the way it is all i'm trying to say is maybe you're both right in your own way i hope i helped instead of just babbling  "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet |
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jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
You babbled lol...I just want this thread to have 21 posts. And I would like the honor of being # 21. Thank you -J |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
Candie you babbled...AS USUAL!!!!!!! LOL! But thanks 4 the review grl, u rock! Rerra |
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