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Teen Poetry #8
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The Girl on the Park Bench
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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The Girl on the Park Bench |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
The Girl on the Park Bench A young girl with a pretty face always sits on that same bench She always carries a bag and she’s always deep in thought No one ever sits by her, not even the bravest men venture over And she can never figure out why she has this effect She waits for someone, anyone to brave their fears and talk But none ever do, except for that one man on that one day He came and sat down, looking at her for a moment and then away She almost wished for him to speak a word or two to her He sat there for a while, and then when sneaking a look she finally noticed She knew this man, a friend from so long ago, and he stared back Amazed that life could be so ironic and nearly cruel he slides a bit closer Not daring to take another look she sat there and tried not to tense up He spake his first words, “Amanda? Is that you?” and reached forward As he reached out his hand to brush back her hair, she turned to him “Who are you?” the only words that she offered up were thus She knew she knew him- but was unsure who exactly he was Don’t you remember me? He wanted to scream out those words to her But all he really said was “Why, don’t you recognize me Amanda?” Hesitantly she looked at his face, and suddenly she remembered “OH! Steve, you’ve gotten so old!” she said as she gave him a huge hug “Yeah,” he said as he returned her embrace, “nice to see you too.” They had been a middle school romance and the best of friends in High School And the time gone by had not seemed that long to her- but to him eternity Secretly he had always been in love with her, and she just took him as a friend She looked at him again, as she was telling him of her college experience And when she looked she saw in his eyes something she was afraid to see He still loved her- after all this time, he was in love with her and always had been He noticed a little too late that she had stopped talking, and looked at her eyes She looked so confused and so in shock, he asked her what was the matter Not really knowing how to ask him if he loved her she said that it was nothing He took her hand, gentle as he touched her, and started to speak She suddenly got up- unprepared for this moment and scared of it too Feeling hurt and rejected Steve stood up and walked off, he never came back Poor Amanda, her feelings were now of hurt and fright, came back to her bench She had spend her time that day in getting her wish of one to talk with Now she sits alone again, no man braves sitting near her as she always has tears running [This message has been edited by RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed (06-28-2007 07:35 PM).] |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
This was nice, but it seemed more like a story rather than a poem. To be honest it was sort of dull. The words you used were blunt. Perhaps, you should revise this story theme and make it more interesting and give it a flow. You know, put some more feeling into it. Make us feel what the girl and the boy feel. I mean come on she just reunited with an old friend, there should be so much emotion there. You need to really think about the emotions that would be conveyed in real life when something like this happens. Then in some way put it into this piece. OK? Other than that good work. Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
danka, i guess i was just tring to finish, i'll go back and try to make more feel. thanks. -Red If love were a picture that painting would never be finished. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
you absoutly have to read it now- i gave amanda and steve a bit of drama -Red If love were a picture that painting would never be finished. |
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Gifted Member
since 2007-06-26
Posts 140Caribbean |
NO, NO, NO. LOL. This is not a skit, or a play or something. However, that's exactly what you wrote. A little mini skit. This is "Teen Poetry", remember? What you wrote has no flow, the lines are too long to read, and to make matters worse you added more stanzas. When I say to add more feel, I mean put yourself into it. Try to imagine it as if it were you. I didn't mean to give it drama. Putting feeling into your work doesn't have to mean drama. To be honest, this seems like you were just bored, and decided to write this. It looks like you got this idea from a movie or something. That's how it seems. What you wrote just does not seem poetic at all. I don't want to be hurtful, I'm just trying to help you. What you need to do is cut down on this poem A LOT! Make it flow, and if you can't don't force it. That's the worst thing you can do. If it's forced then just leave it alone. Make the lines shorter... line breaks are your friend , but don't go breaking lines for no reason whatsoever now. Put feeling into the poem, not drama, but feeling. For example: Why am I ignored, is it my smell, do I reek of a stench? The reason is unknown why I am alone on this bench. My only friends are the pigeons, who approach me for my corn. I feel the seat next to me shiver, waiting to be warm. This is only an example though. You know something like that. Tell a story with it, but make it flow. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it's easier that way. There is feeling in that stanza. Think about it, she feels the seat next to her shiver, waiting to be warm. Now that is something. Use metaphors, and similies. Make it interesting! Peace. Love. Forgiveness. |
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