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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-06-17 03:28 PM

Whipping winds don’t change my straight course
But your eyes stop me in my heavy tracks
And the pain tears at my fractured heart
Clutching my everything in your cold press racks

Well what of love- can you feel what I thought was it
Yet your face speaks of proportions my mind can’t wrap around
And again and again my heart shatters all over the floor
There’s always that one piece that refuses to be found

And the too bright sunlight bleeds in
Illuminating the tear stains on my lily cheeks
I feel like a failure and I don’t know where to turn
The few seconds prolong themselves to endless weeks

I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times now
I can’t imagine going into my slumber in any other fashion
It wasn’t supposed to end this way, no it never was
Wasn’t it love that drove you to me, oh I guess it was passion

Well if the sun didn’t light anymore- I guess I wouldn’t notice
My mind is elsewhere and it hurt to think or feel
Too much is taking up my mind and body right this second
My heart refuses what my mind knows- this is real

and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night

[This message has been edited by RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed (06-17-2007 08:39 PM).]

jayjara
Member

since 2007-05-02

Posts 90
Florida

1 posted 2007-06-17 06:56 PM

This is unusually well written. Very concrete.

For a title: Maybe "Discontinued" or "Impeded" or "Hindered" all suggesting some force has yielded your efforts so you can mull on the moment that you have experienced or the character in your poem has experienced.

Go with irony. Ironic titles may work well here.

-J

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

2 posted 2007-06-17 08:15 PM

i kinda agree. but when i was reading this piece one word kept repeating in my head. "Fractured" and in my own personal oppinion, it sounded awesome and fit well. but thats just me

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

3 posted 2007-06-17 08:39 PM

you know orange, i didn't like "fractured" at first, but the more and more i thought about it, and the more i read over my poem the more it fit each time. hummm. i'm convinced your genius.

-Red

hummm, what a funny thing words are . . . just a thought, i think i'll turn it poem . . .

Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

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