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Poems by Angel
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Poems by Angel |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
I Love You More Than Life I love you more than life I think about you all the time When we're apart my heart breaks The day I met you the earth quaked The ground shook. I looked into your eyes and the earth calmed My Heart Skipped a Beat I love you more than life ! How You Are to Me Your love is a rose blossoming everday Your hope is a rainfall covering Bombay Your dreams are a telescope reaching for the stars. Your happiness is a sunrise illuminating my life. Your sadness is an eclipse encasing me in darkness. Your smile is never ending It brightens my world chasing the shadows away. How I Feel My palms get sweaty My mouth gets dry My heart skipps a beat when I look into your eyes I say stupid things when ever we meet I don't know what makes me feel this way I don't know what makes me say the things I say I don't know why I think your so divine But, all I know is your special to me And that's okay for an eternity. [This message has been edited by poemqueen (12-08-2006 05:52 PM).] |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
I love you more than life I think about you all the time When we're apart my heart breaks The day I met you it felt like the earth quaked (Stanza was good) The ground shook. (okay) But then I looked into your eyes and the earth clamed down, and my heart skipped a beat (this line has to be cut down a bit, or made into two lines and get rid of the but maybe) I love you more than life ! How You Are to Me Your love is like a rose blossoming everday Your hope is like a rainfall covering Bombay (very nice) Your dreams are liek a telescope reaching for the stars. (*like) Your happiness is like a sunrise illuminating my life. (i love this line) Your sadness is an eclipse encasing me in darkness. But youre smile is never ending it brightens my world chasing the shadows away.(this was my favorite stanza, descriptive) How I Feel My palms get sweaty My mouth gets dry My heart skipps a beat when I look into your eyes I say stupid things when we meet I don't know what makes me feel this way I don't know what makes me say the things I say I don't know why I think your so divine But, all I know is your special to me And that's okay for an eternity. ( and this last part i loved it i would't change anything about it... This was acually very good for a first post. WELCOME TO PIP. this poem was very good a few things i didn't like but overall very good anyway... i hope to read more from you soon here in the teen forum... hunnie  Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Welcome to PIP ( ) means delete The day I met you it felt like the earth quaked how about, The day I met you I felt the earth quake. Your love is (like) a rose blossoming everday Your hope is (like) a rainfall covering Bombay Your dreams are (like) a telescope reaching for the stars. Your happiness is (like) a sunrise illuminating my life. Your sadness is an eclipse encasing me in darkness. But you're smile is never ending it brightens my world chasing the shadows away. Btw, clamed is spelled calmed And that's okay for (an) eternity. I really liked the imagery in this poem, I could picture it very well. The similees take away from the power of your words, metaphors give it back. In those all you need to is to take away the 'like.' What about a title also? Nice work |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
Thanks for the insight I rewrote them a bit. |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
Her is another Poem I Never Got A Chance To Say Goodbye I died the day I saw you lying on the lawn I never got a chance to say goodbye I never got to watch your last breath float away You never got to see me cry Fall on my knees and scream out in pain I never got a chance to say goodbye Goodbye my friend I'll miss you well For if we shall meet time will tell I hope you still remember me I will for an eternity I never got a chance to say goodbye |
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Twain_Crusador23 New Member
since 2006-12-08
Posts 5 |
The peoms contents werent great, the whole theme is way over used, and you use so many cliches that its disgusting. for instance, "i love you more than life," "your love is a rose blossoming everyday," "your smile is never ending," etc. your whole entire poem is based nearly entirely on cliches. not to mention this line just sounds incredibly corney, "Your hope is a rainfall covering Bombay." i suggest you try this website, it gives cliches and then ways to rewrite them to make them more interesting. http://cliche-a-day.blogspot.com/ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Really crusader. I liked that one line, it was a good metaphor and creative. Way to be discouraging. THe content was fine , it doesn't to be everyones cup of tea, this was personal to her. |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
thanks and that is my person feelings written done so please NO criticizum |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
And yes they all of them have the same theme except for that last because the first 3 are love poems depicting how i fell about a special person in my life the last ones reason may sound silly i started writing it 2 years ago when i was heart torn that my dog that i had had since i was 3 passed away on the lawn ( had her for 11 years she died the day after mothers day) What really hurts is that i was fixing a special lunch for her since she hadn't been feeling so well and that she died alone so i wrote the poem : "I Never Got a Chance To Say Goodbye" |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
For thos of u that liked my poems I'm stuck right now still trying to think up some new ones but it'll come to me eventually |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
poemqueen, First, welcome to Passions. May I say that it is always great to see someone find the courage to write and post their work. Secondly, the fact that you have specifically requested no critiques is specifically expected to be honored. So don't let that scare you off as the problem will be addressed and taken care of(I'm pretty sure). We all struggle with our muse going silent at times. But often persistence pays off. I hope to see you post more writing and hope that you find this site to be a place you'd like to call home. Oh, and happy holidays!  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
Yes don't mind Crusader, we're glad to see you here! Welcome to Pip! I agree with the taking the 'likes' out but otherwise this was a very good first poem! I hope to read more of your work! Erin |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
Thanks everyone I can't be scared away that easily LOL I started coming up with another poem last night but it still needs some work so u gotta wait to see it. |
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pencil&paper Member
since 2006-09-09
Posts 76asleep somewhere in my head |
great poem and when i say great i mean great i loved it but i think you should change the title oh and WELCOME to PIP "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
Which poem should i change the title of? |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i liked this poem too I Never Got A Chance To Say Goodbye... you should post it. What about nice critiques? or do you just want none at all? but the second poem was very nice... I do also think too that you can't really put a critique on something really personal or straigt from the heart but if it's just a made up poem then i think it's okay... oh and Welcome to pip hunnie ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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poemqueen Junior Member
since 2006-12-06
Posts 26 |
they are poems from the heart i meant no critiques e.g. your poems suck, u are a terrible writer!!! But advice on further mastering my poems would be helpful |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
ohhhhh kay... i will look out for more of your poems hunnie ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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