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Teen Poetry #8
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Seasons
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Seasons |
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baby_gurl908 Junior Member
since 2006-08-22
Posts 15 |
This is just feelings thrown togehter about what im going through right now.. You come and go like seasons i really never know when youll finally stay with me so far it hasnt happened and today i dont know what else i can do. If i call you wont call back, if you see me you look at me as if im a disgrace, when you see me with a guy you scream for hours, but im not yours to scream at. The days you decide to be with me all you do tease, and all i can think is why did i want him so. Im breaking down all the sudden i cant sleep or eat, i want to know why am i not good enough for you to stay, and at the same time its my fault cause i feel i push you away, you cant tell me you love me cause if you loved me you wouldnt leave time and time again, and if you really loved me you wouldnt keep your distance and watch me fall deeper into the whole i dug for myself cause i cant stand the thought of you but somehow i love you so much.... |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This needs structure ,grammar, punctuation and lots of polishing. Capitlize all the pronoun I and capitlize the beginning of sentences. I will just parenthese it so you see those spots You come and go like seasons (try giving an example,be more descriptive) (i) really never know when you ( ' ) ll finally stay with me(.) * try metaphor here , make it less ordinary. This story is common but the way you tell it doesnt have to be, flavour it.) so far it hasnt happened and today (i) dont know what else (i) can do. ( be more unusual about describing him leaving. How did it feel when he hasn't stayed?what did you think? convey emotions.Make it personal *If* (i) call (but) you won( ') t call back, *what do you do when you realize he got your message and refuses to acknowledge your existance?. *= delete (y)ou see me (and) you look at me {as if im a} (in) disgrace, (((the AS if Im a delete and in place put IN.)) (w)hen you see me with (some) guy (,) you scream for hours, (though you are not in my life anymore)** {not yours to scream at.} brackets=delete,change with wuts in the parenthese ahead of. The days you (I am worth your company)*{decide to be with me all you do tease] ( . ) All (I) can think of why (you held my heart hostage). I( ') m breaking down (,) all the sudden (i) can(')t sleep or eat, i want to know why am (i) not good enough for you to not leave(.) At the same time it (')s my fault (') cause i [feel] push you away(.) y Don (') t tell me you love me (again), ( i )f you loved me you would (never leave) [leave time and time again] (i)f you really love me you wouldn(')t keep your distance ( ,)watch(ing) me fall deeper into th(is) whole (i) dug for myself ( .) (i ) can (' )t stand the thought of you so ( why do I keep falling in love with you)**[somehow i love you so much].... You need to make sure your conjuguations and tenses agree. Also try going outside the box in descriptions , show us how you feel , put emotion and voice in to this. Hope you don't mind me crittiquing this. Tell me if you don't want me to crittique and I won't. I got a little emotion and desperation and frustation in the part about continously re falling in love but let it out, I need more strength in that. |
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