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Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-11-24 07:46 PM

a brown haired girl
and a very young man
are sitting in a room
doin all they can

your hands in mine
as i pull you close
you look so good
i dont want to let you go

say those words then turn away
please dont cry,ive got to leave today
ill be gone for a while
but i promise i wont forget your smile

i get to the base
they shave my head
they give me a gun
with water and bread

these are my meals
for the next fifty two weeks
every one is here
from the jocks to the geeks

my stomache feels weak
my body locks
im scared to death
that ill go home in a box

i get on a plane
i land in a far off place
with a sickning fear
that has no face

im three weeks in
i havnt slept in days
the light shines thru the trees
with the suns first rays

and then we get to the camp
to find everyone dead
and for the rest of my life
the image is burned into my head

four days later we meet the men
that killed our troops, our soldiers, our friends
i rush at them with no fear
in my eyes i feel the tears
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

three weeks later
in a small home town
the mail man comes
wearing a frown

he hands a letter
written in red
to a brown-haired woman
who was scraching her head

then she seen the seal
and she wanted to burst
that young woman cried
because she feared the worst

she opened it up just to see the words
the worst is confirmed
as she feels the tears burn

he was just another soldier
that died at war
a proud brave man
no ones heard of before

[This message has been edited by Tempest (11-26-2006 06:45 PM).]

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

1 posted 2006-11-24 07:57 PM

OMG TEMP

I am crying....
That was truely amazing....

I think i need a few tissues
May the angels carry your soldier home..

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

2 posted 2006-11-25 02:58 PM

the inspiration just hit me so i wrote this piece. i think that it really hits hard and that the length is really necessary to make the emotions very clear. i hope to god that u like this piece because i put my heart in it. its very much like my piece Valor but i put alot more thought and consideration into this piece, and i have wrote countless poems since i wrote valor so im going to leave it at that.

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

3 posted 2006-11-25 09:15 PM

this is my favorite by you...alot of emotions and very realistic...very sad. In my library. Amazing write. I wish I wrote like this.

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2006-11-25 09:30 PM

Hi,

Wonderful piece! I’m quite astounded at how well I liked the poem, lately nothing has interested me but this, this did! It was a wonderful use of words. The thing that’s most amazing, to me, is how you captured the emotions made me feel the sorrow for the soldier. The emotions in this poem just blew me away. A very sad subject to write about and in some ways I think it would be hard to write and capture the image of sadness, although, you did that very well.

Thanks for sharing! I’ve missed reading your work and it was a pleasure to see some of it again

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2006-11-26 11:57 AM

soldier no ones heard of

So sad. This story is probaly so true also. I really liked this.

get to the base
they shave my head
they give me a gun
with (some) water and bread

delete, cause the some makes it lose its touch.

Good work

MixedChica
Junior Member

since 2006-11-10

Posts 34

6 posted 2006-11-26 06:24 PM

This is a really well writted poem. Its really strong. Its probably good because its so true. I agree with Rhia, that part kinda weakens it. But the rest is really deep and really good

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

7 posted 2006-11-26 06:42 PM

ight ic ic will do

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

8 posted 2006-11-26 10:23 PM

wow, Tempest one of my fav by you it was amazing i could feel the feeling in this poem, the end really kept it together although it was so sad. can't wait for more poems...
hunnie

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

wwzwlmd8
Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 96
San Diego,CA

9 posted 2006-11-26 10:45 PM

WOW! That was the most incrediable and most intense poem i've ever read. You really are good, no great at the poems you write Tempest I really enjoyed this poem.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

10 posted 2006-11-27 11:31 PM

Wow.. tempest.. you always keep me hanging. I loved this one.. I like how it ended.. not the death part but the whole moral of the story of how people live and die for their country and when they die yes.. the states feel sorry for their families but they will never really understand the hurt of their loved ones for he was just another soilder.. wow.. incredible.. keep it. up...

much love ~heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

broken_smile1469
Member

since 2006-07-02

Posts 104

11 posted 2006-11-28 04:34 PM

wow Great poem!!!!

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

12 posted 2006-11-28 09:07 PM

I havent commented or posted in a long while, but i saw yours- and my bf is actually going into the army so it was like wow this could really happen to him.
it was really good. i like how you wrote it, and the inspiration it gave. Just a little word of advice- Keep the same rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem. like for instance
four days later we meet the men
that killed our troops, our soldiers, our friends
i rush at them with no fear
in my eyes i feel the tears

it isnt in the same rhyming pattern as the other stanzas but the flow still worked so it still sounded great!

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem!
You're really talented!

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

13 posted 2007-06-20 07:00 PM

your sooooo goood

Alaina
Member

since 2007-06-16

Posts 106

14 posted 2007-06-20 07:19 PM

wow i have chills all over my body this told such an amazing story. i truly LOVED this poem.

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

15 posted 2007-06-21 06:19 PM

wow it was just awonderful and sad poem i am glad you could capture all the emotions in such a lovely form

WaterFairy103
Member

since 2006-05-31

Posts 196

16 posted 2007-06-23 01:59 AM

Wow... I got chills. If I cried very much, I'd be bawling. Very good job.

I've stopped fighting my inner demons... we're on the same side now.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

17 posted 2007-06-23 08:37 PM

i got tears. i don't think any of us could ever tell you how to write, if anything we should be begging you to teach us the secrets that you have so perfectly trapped in every word that your fingers type up.

-Red

and if i had to choose between the whole world and you- there would be no competition

-Amanda Ann (my best friend)

Sad_eyed_girl
New Member

since 2007-06-04

Posts 8

18 posted 2007-06-23 11:40 PM

good work reminds me of an old friend

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