Shots Across The Brow - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2008-11-06 06:38 PM

Shots Across The Brow

Forget formalities and consequences of vice
for just a moment
pretend this is right,
your eyes are in the distance while
your body is in my grasp
i wonder
where you are but am afraid to ask.
Let's pretend this one time that
cheats
are laudable agents
and that all the other girls this evening
will remain patient.
Are we practicing choreography as much
as we hope
or are these the awkward stammers of kids
that should elope?
Let's keep this all quiet even though I want to
scream,
maybe a gasp will let you know what I mean.
This all feels so eerily familiar inside my head
although last night it wasn't you in my bed.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2008-11-06 06:41 PM

whoa.

this rocks

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2008-11-06 06:47 PM

Thank you for reading it and the encouragement.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2008-11-06 06:59 PM

WOW! This was great! I read it over and over cuz it was so good, I couldn't stop reading it!!!

"Life is too confusing, but I like it that way!"

rebel~angel
Member

since 2006-06-20

Posts 71
Iowa USA

4 posted 2008-11-07 12:16 PM

This is amazing...I love it! ...Although (and maybe its just because I'm dead tired) it seems to rhyme in spots...and not in others...and if it does, I'm sure its the way you want it, it just threw me off a little bit. But as I said...I'm dead tired, so that might just be me.

Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming.
-Elizabeth Haydon, Requiem for the Sun

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

5 posted 2008-11-07 01:21 AM

WOW WOW WOW.. U so made me want u then.. like pull me in the bedroom slam the door want lolz..awesome graphical pictues in my head right now.. OF this girl n guy leaning agaisnt the corner of a building in a darkened room vowing his love her.. WOW... loved IT!!

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

6 posted 2008-11-07 07:29 AM

thank you all so much for reading it. Rebelangel~ I kinda messed up my line breaks so it appears that it doesn't rhyme in some spots but if you read it out loud, you'll see that it does all rhyme. I was trying to emphasize certain words visually, but I think it messed up the flow.
Revenge~ haha, I had no idea this poem would have that effect! Glad it did though

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

7 posted 2008-11-10 05:41 PM

I loved this Alex. its gotta be one of my favs from you.. the flow was incredible
Krysti

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

8 posted 2008-11-10 05:47 PM

Ummm
WOW
library

My melancholy is purely my own

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

9 posted 2008-11-10 07:46 PM

thank you both. I'm really glad when people appreciate my stuff. This one was obviously quite different from how I usually write.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

10 posted 2008-12-06 04:11 AM

wow Alex! this is very different than what I remember anything of yours sounding like and i like that you took it in a different direction.
The last line threw me! I did not expect that at all! great write!

aol sn- sweetcountry007

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.