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Teen Poetry #8

endless...

forever*wishing
Member

since 2006-05-29

Posts 178
where my heart is

0 posted 2006-10-24 05:59 PM

although all day i try and try
nothing seems to make it right

i get back up, and fail again
down i fall to my anger within.

i cant seem to make this feel ok
every fall leads me farther astray.

this is getting harder each moment i waste
wishing i could go back and erase

with every step toward my goal
another two backward i will fall

over and over i've tried to make it right
but i think its time to stop this old fight.

nothing will become of this worthlessness
this stupid bitter war is simply endless...

~me

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-25 09:59 AM

Very nice, the end through me a bit. BUt I liked this.

FArther is further. i think

Renegade
Junior Member

since 2006-10-21

Posts 22

2 posted 2006-10-25 04:49 PM

great moral ending
work on the rhythym with the words
but otherwise very good

just a hint of what i do is i say the same lines over and over to see if it has an even rhythym

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

3 posted 2006-10-26 05:27 PM

um...its a little confusing to me, but thats probably just me. I don't really get what you are saying[exactly..?] it never really seems to get to the point..well, at least it just didn't seem to end the point exactly..like--i don't quite get what the poem is about...I can guess, but i don't know for sure... so that's just something to think about, try to make it easier to understand for the people reading it...
good write though!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-10-26 05:58 PM

Actually I think it is good just always barely alluding to what is going on

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