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Teen Poetry #8
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Shallow Pain
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Shallow Pain |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Swarms of hungry students stream through the halls, rushing towards the lunchroom. Beautiful confident girl floating down the stairs, people around her all flock To her side, devouring her every word. She rules, it’s her world. In the midway of a joke, her prince charming, sandy blonde hair Sky blue eyes, wraps a long tan arm around her waist, whisper in her ear telling her they need to talk, she tries to nudge him into saying what is wrong. Refusing to tell her, till the lunch room where he tells her in front of her base. That they are over, and tells her what a slut She is, says she is stupid always saying what. Makes fun of her, at her own expense. Enjoing everyones laughter he goes on about he faults. One-person snickers like a line of dominos everyone else follows Still standing there, with the pain written on her face in bold italic letters. Blinking her eyes to stop the tears that are beginning to fall, slow then at a faster pace. He walks off with his friends, cracking a flirtatious grin and mock bow to her best friend. She walks to an isolated spot in the furthest corner. Sets her tray down on the table top Just as she is about to sit down, her ex-friends pull her chair out. Falling too fast, dropping to the cold cement floor. Trying to stop the fall holds her hands out to break the impact. Staring into iced over cold eyes, searching for what used to be. Looking through the rubble, for the shards and disintegrated pieces. Only laughter ensues her fall. Not one hand is held out. Getting back on her feet to right her, a shadow looms. Sandy blonde hair, deepest blue eyes stand just feet away. Red lips she once kissed, now they’re sneering. His face is no longer adoring, but twisted ugly in disgust. Spitting more angry cruel words at her, laughing at her tears. Drops of salty water drip freely down her cheeks, she still holds her head up high. Showing the rest of friends who turned so quickly, that she is still the same girl, that they can see her cry. Biting her lip in forced agony, listening to all the crap. Closes her ears against the noise, she interrupts his speech. With a few true words to his face she says loud through her tears. “I don’t care,” at first he doesn’t hear her, when he does, taken aback. Swear words of many colors are shot out of his mouth, He is so mad. Tanned face reddens to a cherry tomato color, eyes narrowed lines. Wiping a stray tear running its course down her cheek, she gets him nice and hard. Raises her acrylic nailed hand back, she gives him a nice five star slap. Right across his flustered cheek. Instantly the tide turns, the student body Erupted in hysterical laughter, raising a hand to hit her back, for making him lose face. Stopped by his friends, under the pretense of not hitting a girl, he has to suffice With sneering at her, and making comments, and sending glares filled with dark hate. Saying to the rest, she asks them a very honest question,” Is this who you want to be? Willing to laugh at people only because it is not you, playing cruel jokes, Just for reaction. Following someone, letting them take the lead. In being cruel, you know only early today, you followed me.” In the stony silence that preceded that, she turned on her heel. Meeting her guilty conscience for the first time, knowing how it feels. He, the villain in a fairytale ending, got to see the extent of her pain, Her chin was high, but dark black tearstains adorned her cheeks. Haunted by the nasty gossip she had started, all the nasty deeds. She was in deeper pain for what had become her betrayed end. Shallow pain was what it was, when his words made her bleed. Didn’t hit her deep as how she had set up losing who weren’t really her friends. ********** couldnt think of a better title sorry. |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Rhia, I have been reading in CA of late and I must admit that I thought you were trying to improve your writing. Yet, in this I don't really see much improvement. It has a nice story line that sways me into liking it but the grammar/spelling errors and words, that shouldn't be where they are at, makes it hard to read. I would at least run it through a spell check program, like Microsoft Word. Forgive me if I’m wrong in saying this, I was just wondering what is going on? I know I shouldn’t judge you because I don’t really know that you aren’t trying to improve but from the looks of what you have written it doesn’t seem to appear as much of an improvement from when you first started posting in CA. I’m no expert but it seems to me that, yes, you do add metaphors and the like to make it poetry, but at some point you need to draw the line. Sometimes a poem can be so cluttered with extra words that the point of the poem doesn’t come across strong. In this poem I find that to be happening. I did like some of the metaphors; dominos for example I thought was a good idea. Yet, of course, this is just my ideas and like I said I am not an expert so take my words as you would like. Thanks for sharing/listening!  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
...Was I wrong in posting the comment above? I hope I didn't offend you  "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
NO, what CA people call diary entries and such I still write for Teen forums. Alot of that stuff is about me some of it at least,I have to get it out. What I write for CA is way different. |
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