Six Days After(part 3) - pipTalk Forums

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hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

0 posted 2007-08-03 05:49 PM

Third part to what I should have said

You hit the window with a head dive,
the doctor said you're lucky you're even alive,
you look so small in that hospital bed,
your creamy complexion scarred in red,

You lifted your head when I walked in,
gave a faint smile said, "babe where ya been",
I said I was sorry that I lied,
I wanted to tell you but lost my words when I tried,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six long days staring at the white on the walls,
hearing the crashing of footsteps out in the halls,
the words stung that the doctor had said,
"you must be lucky 'cos you should be dead.",

she came to me and said she's sorry she lied,
right there with her watching I finally cried,
I told her I want us to be a family,
with her as a mommy, a daddy i'll be.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

1 posted 2007-08-03 10:06 PM

i liked both sides it was a much needed ending kind of like a happy ending to a sad beginning

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

2 posted 2007-08-03 11:25 PM

I loved the 3 different parts to this, all amazingly written. My only critique for all 3(which is quite amazing, 3 poems and one critique) is i didn't think the last 2 lines of this one flowed very well.

i loved them though! keep it up

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

3 posted 2007-08-04 09:16 AM

I agree, i didn't like the last two lines...but all three of these are amazing!! This one is my fav, just cause it's the happy ending

So no more hiding all your pain, you deserve a new start. That's why i'm closing myself away, this is a message from your heart.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2007-08-05 01:21 AM

she came to me and said she's sorry she lied,
right there with her watching I finally cried,
I told her I want us to be a family,
with her as a mommy, a daddy i'll be.

I think it was really good to have both sides of the story but I think the very last line doesn't flow very well. I think it flows reading wise with just the first fragment of the last line but together the syllables are all right so its even like that.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

5 posted 2007-08-06 11:27 AM

i liked all but the last line i would have worded it this way

"with her as the mommy, and i the daddy"

but aside from that small detail it was amazing. loved it.

-Red

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

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