i hope this doesnt suck like my others

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Open Poetry #44

i hope this doesnt suck like my others

norunnin
Member

since 2008-10-16

Posts 71

0 posted 2009-01-03 01:42 AM

here i am again
with a bright and lonely moon
blank cold and winking overhead
cant you be my friend
but if you know me
i'll smash it all
just for kicks potential friend

(why will i forever be
incessantly distracted
by ancient fresh distant memories
there is dissent within me) idk if i like this

i am still walkning tired
my heart is still faltering why
my soul sears within afire

time to walk
within your cold and distant stare
if only you werent upon the moon
if only i werent down here

[This message has been edited by norunnin (01-03-2009 02:24 AM).]

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

1 posted 2009-01-03 03:28 AM

I really like the last two lines.
I think you could write another poem again just based on those two lines......

Keep your writer's pen moving.

Eric

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2009-01-03 03:48 AM

First stanza was good, the rest was a bit pointless.

I'd never use "idk" in a poem.

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

norunnin
Member

since 2008-10-16

Posts 71

3 posted 2009-01-03 11:22 AM

i wasnt using idk in the poem
there are parenthesis around the stanza.
and i may have to write another based on those last two lines, ill let u kno if i do

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

4 posted 2009-01-06 11:59 AM

this has some smooth flow to it. don't downplay your work!

wanderingmonk
New Member

since 2009-01-05

Posts 7

5 posted 2009-01-06 12:56 PM

here i am again
with a bright and lonely moon
blank cold and winking overhead
cant you be my friend
but if you know me
i'll smash it all
just for kicks potential friend

you obviously have something to say and know how to say it in a beautiful way, so dont be so hard on yourself. let what youve written be. it speaks for itself. loudly.

norunnin
Member

since 2008-10-16

Posts 71

6 posted 2009-01-06 08:07 PM

thank you all

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