And Then I Come Down (Comments PLease?)

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Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-09-20 12:16 PM

There's a place of which I often dream
A place where folks say what they mean
Where hate and jealousy are never seen
A place where love never turns green

A place where tortises mingle with hares
A place where we're always blissful, yet always aware
We're naked as newborn babes and noby cares
This world of mine is just a place where.....

And in my lovers eyes dwell jewels divine
In this place I am not the swine
Its a place where I can go back in time
Undo the damage wrought on me and mine

Butterfly kisses he bestows on my cheeks
I close my eyes, there's no need to speak
Perfection is here...no cracks, no leaks
It's a place to run from an existence so bleak

Its a place where exotic birds will flock
A place that eats away the shock
With the freedom of a drifting boat undocked
It's a secret place that I unlocked

It's a place that's home to unicorns
And caribou with velvet horns
I have nothing left to mourn
It's a place where I'm happy I was born

It's a place where I am welcome and loved
A place where I am never shoved
Where I'm not a left hand in a right glove
A place where I'm peaceful, and free as a dove

A place thats kissed in golden light
A place where noone ever fights
A place where I am always right
A place where everythings beautiful, day or night

And then I come down

StratMatt
Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 87
Macomb, IL, U.S.A.

1 posted 1999-09-20 12:26 PM

I absolutely adore this piece.
This very well could be the best piece I've seen posted thusfar, and although I've only been on the forums for about 24 hours, I've read a lot of poetry throughout today, and that includes surpassing 3 pieces I've posted.
One or two of the rhymes it felt like you were really searching, but in a poem of this size with the rhyme scheme of 4 straight rhymed lines, it's impressive you came up with the rhymes and implemented them as well as you did. I probably would have given up on that rhyme scheme somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd stanza.
-Matt

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"Lost time is never found again." -Ben Franklin.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

2 posted 1999-09-20 12:34 PM

Thanks...this is one of those where the ideas just started flowing....yes...on a few lines i had to search but **groan** you should have seen the rough draft. terrible.
anyway thanks...and maybe im just replying to get it back on top so more people will read it and reply....
so im cheap, oh well

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