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Help maybe?
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Help maybe? |
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Luskalilly New Member
since 2008-05-19
Posts 5Kamloops, B.C Canada |
Im goin through a hardtime right now over a guy, And im no good at poems never have been but im tryin to write him one cause i luv them. This is all i have though of so far so let me know what u think or any changes before i send it to him. I hate him, i love him i want him to die, i want him to live i need him he dont need me I see him he dont see me he loves her not me You cant spell slaughter without laughter |
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| © Copyright 2008 Marcy Greenwood - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Luskalilly, As a poem, it's pretty much perfect as it is. I'd make sure to capitalize all the"i"s you're using, because you're worth more than the lower case, and a person needs to show some respect to herself. Especially a woman. If you make the poem any longer, you'll be writing away from what you've said. Any shorter, and you'll be picking away at it. I don't know if it'll correct your boyfriend situation, but it's a very nice piece of art. You have a right to be very pleased with yourself. Sincerely, BobK. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I hate him, i love him i want him to die, i want him to live i need him he dont need me I see him he dont see me he loves her not me well I agree with Bob about the "i's" but I also think don't should be changed to doesn't and I am not sure if I were him, that I would be happy about someone saying they wished I would die. M |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I hate him, I love him I want him to leave, I want him to stay I need him, he doesn't need me I see him, he doesn't see me he loves her, not me I took the suggestions from Bob and Maureen to show you what it would be like with those changes, and I like how it is, I wouldn't add more, like Bob said.  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Sounds great, Sea  M |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Yeah don't change a thing! The guy will be sure to understand your words. I think this is really good. Hope things turn out for the best. ~Zach~ ~Zach~ |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Maureen is right. That's why it's better to have more than one reader. I think it's better to keep in the wanting him to die bit, not because it's friendly but because it is unexpected and because it is this kind of love, which isn't necessarily nice. |
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